Staying healthy for your kids (AKA the Rollercoaster Fiasco)

I know we as proud AAH-Mericans are fully aware that we are fighting a losing battle against obesity (also known as the "6 cheeseburgers for 3 dollars...score" disease,) But it's about time that we as parents really need to start slimming down and doing our part.

Oh wait a second, don't think this is when I am going to preach about being good examples, live longer to watch our kids grow, be able to teach them how to play sports, and other gooey crap like that (did I say crap, I mean....those are all good reasons.) But the most important reason was revealed to me last week at Six Flags...

Yes, not only is their a height limit, but in certain ways there is a weight or size limit on rides as well.

No not all rides, in fact this is not something that has anything to do with adult rides, this is for adults riding with their "too small to ride on their own" children on kids rides (I am sorry if I scared any of you hefty single adults, enjoy nickel potato chip taco and gallon soda night on me.)

So parents, if you have never taken your kids to a theme park, you will notice that the "measuring stick of ride-atude" looks a little different for kid rides.  You see this stick is usually colored red or black at the bottom, green in the middle, then another red or black at the top...to decipher...if your kid is in the color at the bottom, it is now your turn to step up and be judged since YOU now have to accompany them. So if you are in the middle color, congratulations, you have moved on to round 2 and you now have the chance to be fully embarrassed in front of both adults and children.

Round 2 starts with a very stressful wait. You slowly creep to the front of the line stopping every couple of seconds to watch as other parents hang their head in shame and walk away from the ride trying to console their screaming kid since they can not ride said ride...you see just because you are tall enough, you now have to put your kid in the ride, fit your whole body in the ride without crushing your kid, buckle a seatbelt made for healthy 6 year olds over yours and you child's waist....and...let the padded bar down and it has to click locked at least once.

This is the part where I will be honest with you my few readers... As we headed up, about 75 percent of all parents that tried, were not fitting in.  I was very scared...you see I am a bigger guy.  I weigh around 2... lets just say I am about 6''1 in height...and I have a weight too. I was afraid that I would have to explain to my boys that they couldn't ride a rollercoaster because dad's first question whenever offered a salad is "can I have extra ranch?" Now I have been running a lot lately, but I almost lost it when the dad two kids ahead of me, FAILED.  The reason I was freaking, he was about a foot shorter than me and not too fluffy. 

The moment of truth came...kid in...check, I get in and the boy is still breathing...check, try to buckle the belt...come on...use your strength and suck in...by the power of grayskull click...check, I was in...I did it...nope...not yet. The ride person then put the protective arm down (explaining to me in that "you know you are not going to fit and its not my fault" tone of voice,) "Now sir, for single children riding it has to click down 3 locks...for adults...we just need one click."  All I can think is "Lady...pretend like you are in labor and PUSH!!!"

After the third try (no I am not being funny) I heard what we learn in the Army as a "Metallic Click" and at the same moment the heavens opened up and a choir of angels serenaded me with Queens "We are the champions."  Don't believe me...

And yes the parent in the red sleeved shirt is being kicked off for being too big.

Morale of the story, keep the weight off and you can secretly gloat at the other parents that wouldn't fit.  Also you won't have to go on a rant about "this is 'Merica, I can be whatever size I want to be," and you will save money not having to bribe your child's tears away with sugary treats which would complete the circle of obesity.

Can you really give your kids their old toys again for good behavior

So the boys just turned three this week, yet we have still had off and on problems with keeping them in their beds at night. Since I took two weeks off of work, I decided to take this time to fix the problem.  Now I know that there will be different schools of thoughts on my parenting skills (even though I am wondering why I haven't been approached on writing a parenting book since I am THAT good.) but sometimes even I am amazed at how easy this parenting thing is. (like I said  I am THAT good.)

So my first weekend of vacation I went to Toys R us, and picked up a  LOT of toys on sale.  I then decided that every night before their bedtime story I would make a  big production and lay out all of the the toys and let them pick out which toy they would get if they stayed in their bed all night. I would say that this was the easiest part, however it was really difficult sometimes to not sway them in their decision just because I secretly wanted to play with a certain toy in the morning.

The first night was a little difficult, but the whole week in general was really good. But then we started running out of the COOL toys (and that's not just me saying that, the boys were saying that too.) Now I knew that I was going to have to slowly taper off, but that's when Greyson...the smart little cookie that he is...instead gave me a better idea.

Now to you, that might not be anything special...except, that is the Ironman toy that he got a few months ago. I tried to tell him that it was already his but he insisted "Dad I want Ironman for staying in bed."

I started to have a moral dilemma, should I really do this, knowing that he has stayed in his bed for seven nights now, he will get it in the morning, everyone wins right...well about 3 in the morning I got this...

 

So now comes moral dilemma #2... he didn't stay in his bed, but that is already his toy... so what do you do, what should a Awesome parent like me do??? Lets just put it this way Greyson is really excited to stay in his bed tonight to get his Ironman back... and now I am wondering what other skills I can get them to learn by leveraging Christmas.

Preseason football is just like going to high school

So I can’t believe that preseason football is almost over and I haven’t even had a football post yet this year.

Usually preseason is the best time to be a Seahawks fan, because you can pretend that “this is our year,” however this year (and this might just be the “preseason” talking) but this actually is our year. (ask me again in about 6 weeks.)

I love this time of year, everyone still has hopes and dreams, and everyone is still a Superbowl contender. It’s great; however I have realized that Preseason is a lot like High School

This year the NFL has a new uniform maker (Nike) so just like the first day of school, I was excited to see what all the “Cool” kids were wearing this year.

Then you have all the drama of who is dating who, or as I see it “Free Agency.”

Then like the beginning of the school year…you have to pick your “Homecoming King.” For football fans, unless you have a solid quarterback…that is what selecting QB 1 is like.

Luckily all the drama is almost over, and the real season starts next week. Now… if we can just do something with these substitute teachers…I mean replacement referees.

They Took My Wisdom Teeth, Then I Did Something Stupid (Go Figure)

WARNING!!! I just want to start off by letting you know that I  started writing this at 3A.M. so this post is brought to you courtesy of a very long day, and Oxycodone.

So most people when I mentioned getting my wisdom teeth pulled, all of sudden made the sound of air gushing out of a tire accompanied by the "I might of just killed your pet goldfish look." (for you that don't know that look, it's when someone has to tell you something bad "I killed your pet" but I don't know if it's all that bad since it's just a goldfish.) But from my experience, there wasn't much pain, just a lot of weirdness.

To start off, my dentist even told me that there was nothing "really" wrong with my wisdom teeth, but since I am getting older, and it's more complicated and riskier to take them out the older you get, they just wanted to take them out to be safe.  So in my mind the conversation went like this...

So even though I am the embodiment of MAN-liness, I am not afraid to say that I was really freaked out when I sat down in the chair.  I already hate dentists, now pair that with the fact that  I have never been "put to sleep" before. 

So I think the doctor notice this and tried to calm me down by asking me what kind of music I want to listen to.  Me being oh so wise (since they didn't steal my wisdom yet) thought 1. I am going to be asleep in a few minutes so I don't care. 2. I didn't want to pick anything that the people ripping body parts out of me while I am unconscious might not like so I said "whatever you like." This sent Him squealing like a little school girl when he said...

So they asked me a few more question and then it was time.

For you that have never "went under" before, without exaggerating, it went just like this.

Dr- Are you ready to go to sleep?
Me- Yeeeaah
Nurse- You have to get up your wife is waiting for you.

For most people that is when the story would finish...NOT THIS GUY!!!! That's when it gets fun.

So evidently when I am "drugged up" I turn into Dori the memory losing fish from "finding nemo." (I know a Disney reference, maybe the doctors music choice secretly got to me me?) I don't remember much of what happened but I was told that like usual, I was very worried about my workplace getting my proper paperwork so it started at the hospital.  According to my wife, it went like this...

But don't feel bad for her, because I guess in this state I also became a Hugger. Because evidently I wanted to make sure I gave the nurse a hug.

So I also found out that my wisdom teeth were actually holding back my true super power, because evidently in my "drug induced state" people just let me do whatever I want. Starting with the ride home.

What my wife should have done is strap me into the car and drive me home, what I convinced her to do, is let me go to the smoothie place a block away from my office, and talk to people in my company...which I have no idea what I said, but I will probably find out Monday when I am back at work.

Some how I then convinced her to let me turn in my paperwork to my office (I think my wife just figured that since I bugged the doctor so much for it, I might as well just turn it in.)

So that's when I decided it was a GREAT IDEA to make copies of my paperwork by going into the "Command Group" and pass by all the really important peoples office, to use their copier.

Luckily I had one of my Soldiers see me, and without hesitation grab me and my paperwork, and very effectively get me out of there into my office (thank you so much Spc. Dusterhoft.)  But somehow I also managed to have her let me somehow talk to my Sergeant Major, and accept a work task, where I somehow not only managed to log on to my government computer, but then log on to a password protected website, where I FIXED A GRAMMAR MISTAKE ON A NEWS STORY!!!!

However, I can not wait to find out all the stuff that happened since I can not remember hardly anything.

So overall, not a bad experience, but my advice to you is just stay away from work and go home and sleep.

I could have been a contender (2012 Olympics)

So with the Summer Olympics being two days from being over, I decided why not do a post about it.  Mostly since the Summer Olympics are every four years, and I probably won’t still be writing on the blog by then, so this might be my first and last Olympic blog post (tears stream down my face.)

So I decided to post about the 3 events rated from worst to best using the Olympic standard rating system (actually 4 because I can’t help myself) that either I want to medal in, or I feel I could medal in.

Honorable Mention: Group Rhythmic Gymnastics

So did you know that there is an Olympic event that is practically part of a “Cirque du Soleil” show?

Imagine 5 people spinning ribbons, juggling basketballs and rings, while adding in a little dance and ballet.

So I put this as honorable mention since they only have it for women, so I can’t even pretend to be able to compete or medal in this event, or else it would be like the old SNL spoof with Martin Short and his friend trying to be male synchronized swimmers.

Bronze Medal: Trampoline

So this goes in the category of “yup…I could do that.”

Pretty much we are handing out medals for what we used to do on a summer night at the rich kids house.

Silver Medal: Badminton

So another “yup… I could do that.”

Mostly it just barely edged out trampoline and mostly because I respect the sport just a little more because it’s so hard to spell.

But yes, this is the same sport that all of us that went to public school had to play at P.E.

The funny thing is you would think we would be good at this since we have been secretly training every American since grade school P.E., but the American’s did not even win one badminton medal this year.

Gold : 10 KM Marathon Swimming

Oh yeah you read that right. 10 Kilometers worth of swimming. For you that only speak “Ah-mur-I-cun” (American) measurements, that is  6.213712 miles…of SWIMMING.

By far, not a medal I think I can win, but would be awesome to brag about.

Most people can’t watch a 10K on T.V. let alone RUN one, let alone SWIM it. So it earns my “little known but AWESOME” Olympic sport this year. I guess that is all for at least two years (if I am still blogging at that point) where I will talk about how easily I could be an Olympic Curler.

Raising Nerdy Non-Violent Children (How to teach kids not to hit)

So it has been almost a year since my last post on this blog, I have not totally given up, but I do have a new group blog that I contribute to (SHAMELESS PLUG) http://gluttonsgamersandgeeks.blogspot.com/

But I am going to try to post on this blog every now and then. And sometimes if the posts fit, I will put a variation of the post on both sites.  Anyway….

So raising two man-ly boys is a difficult task.  In fact, sometimes the house erupts from man-liness so much, that we have to tone it down a bit by watching stuff like “Team USA female Olympics,” (any team that has someone named the “flying squirrel” can’t be that bad.)  But another difficulty is trying to hinder their inner alpha male, especially when it comes to fighting.

Don’t get me wrong, I WILL (if my wife lets me) teach my kids how to fight when they get older, but right now they are at the age where they don’t know when not to hit.

So the way we get our boys not to hit (and mostly it was my wife who did this…and she says she is not a nerd) is by teaching them alternates to hitting. You can’t just tell them not to fight because especially man-ly boys like mine are going to fight. So my wife discovered something awesome. For us there are two huge hero’s of the boys, who actually usually do not touch their opponents when they fight.

The shooting invisible webs is a great technique and all, but their favorite now is… IRON MAN and his (depending on what book you are reading) plasma bolts, or repulsor beam.

So for right now, anytime they are going to fight, we have them shoot beams and webs. Problem solved, less blood and bruises, I just hope they don’t get bullied anytime soon or else I might get called to school because my son got beat up, and is also really sad because his “Webs” didn’t work.

A CLOCK is a better parent then me???

I have never claimed to be “Father of the Year.”  I might have assumed that they were just waiting to give me all of the trophies at once, and I chuckle when I see someone wearing a “Father of the Year” shirt thinking…”Maybe once I die, you are.” But in all seriousness, I have never thought that I was the best parent, but never thought I would be out parented (I know parented isn’t a real word, but it should be) by a CLOCK!!!

You see this story actually starts back a long time ago, if you look back in the blog the way I am out parented (that really should be a word) is trying to get the boys to sleep in their own bed.  That is why I started the CSP posts (Child Sleeping Positions) They are almost 2 and a half yet they still sleep in our bed.  The way it has been going I already pictured this.

We have tried everything, punishment, reward, sleeping in their room, it doesn’t matter… Nothing works.  I already faced defeat and started of looking on the bright side by thinking stuff like “at least they won’t be able to sneak out as teenagers because I will feel them coming back into bed” (Wow this blog is kinda taking an uncomfortable twist, but stay with me, I am almost to the point.) So my wife went online looking for answers and came across a clock.  Like every decision, she wanted to make this decision together so she sent me the link at work for my approval.  What I saw was a “Flavor Flav” looking clock with reviews around it.

REALLY!!!! Changed your life??? How can a stupid clock change your life?  Then I look at the price… 60 dollars.  And that’s just the plain clock, you can order attachments and different face designs for more money.  Me being at work, didn’t have that much time, I trust my wife, so I told her go ahead and order it. (Worst case, I could use it as a prop and go as Flavor Flav for Halloween.)

So it got here Thursday night.  When the wife took it out of the box it looked really intimidating. The front looked like a regular clock, but the back… reminded me of a doomsday device.

It was so close to bedtime we decided to use it Friday.  Once we read the directions, my opinion of it working went even further to the “never gonna work theory” It was too simple.  This is how the system works.

When it’s time for them to sleep…the clock turns blue… when it’s time to wake up…the clock turns yellow and plays one verse of “happy and you know it”… THAT’S IT!!!!! (At least for the sleeping function) THAT’S WHAT I JUST PAYED 60 DOLLARS FOR… NEVER GONNA WORK!!!  If your child wakes up early and comes to sleep with you…you are supposed to say “What color is the clock…It’s blue… You have to go back to bed until its yellow”  HAHAHAHAH REALLY!!!! THAT IS NOT GOING TO WORK!!!!

I was actually getting excited to try this because it was going to fail so bad… and then I would get to call back the company and yell at them for being idiots. 

Friday night, 7pm, tucked the boys into bed, it took everything I had not to laugh when I heard my wife tell them “Now you can’t wake up until its yellow”  HAHAHAHAH OK!!!!

(Full disclosure, I am telling the rest of the story on Brandis only, I don’t take Greyson into consideration since he is scared of the clock and if he sees it he will cry. Plus Brandis was the worst offender before we got the clock.)

So there I was… Friday night, couldn’t sleep because I was thinking what avenue I was going to use to approach customer service (start out yelling, sarcasm, act like a victim of their scam to get a refund) and that’s when I noticed…hmmmm it’s after 9…why haven’t I seen or heard Brandis? Hmmm… he must be tired, there is no way it worked…or did it, Now I couldn’t sleep because any little noise I heard I prepared to jump on the bed with a party hat, wake up the wife, and do my “I told you so dance.” All of a sudden around midnight, the usual “party started” lots of screams of “Dad!!! DADDY!!! DAD!!!” a little munchkin dressed as a crying Captain American stepped inches from the bed in which the wife woke up and said “The clock is blue, you have to go to bed until the clock is yellow.” He then turned around, ran to his bed…this happened like 2 more times, the last time was around 2 ish AND THAT IS THE LAST WE HEARD FROM HIM ALL NIGHT!!!!! 

I have no idea how it worked…I really thought I was being punked…So Saturday came around, bedtime…. No crying, around midnight, came in….. the wife said the magic words…then POOF!!! Never saw him the rest of the night.  At 530am Greyson cried, so my wife went to their room and that’s when I also came in to see Brandis…AWAKE!!! NOT CRYING!!! Just watching the clock.  When asked what he was doing… “Clock Blue…Sleep” he was actually just waiting for the clock to tell him he could wake up.  If that’s not proof enough…Last night, a little crying before midnight, and that was all. 

This makes me ask…Is a clock a better parent then I am??? And if the clock can “make” him sleep what else can it “make” him do?

As long as he sleeps all night, I think I am ok with that.

A good Monday morning

For most, well adjusted, responsible adults, a story about a good Monday usually starts with chirping birds, and the smell of coffee and bacon wafting gently into your nose holes (I know I could have said nostrils but “nose holes” seems more poetic.)

Well luckily for us… I am not that person, in fact the reason this morning was incredible for me… it ends with someone else feeling like crap.

So I wake up like normal…you know, the 3^rd time my alarm goes off…normal.  Brush teeth, shave, change… normal.  Get into my Prius…(not normal for most manly men…but for me…NORMAL.)  Driving down the road with an angry truck tailgating…for me… normal… you see I like to do a thing called “Driving the speed limit” (I know the majority of you have no idea what I am talking about, but especially in a housing area early in the morning…you should try it.)

So I get to the stop sign and unlike most people…I STOP… not slow down…stop.  Luckily I did this, because the truck behind me couldn’t take going the speed limit anymore (maybe because he is only getting 5 miles a gallon in his “Testosterone Mobile” and he needed to go fill up.) So he takes off and passes me as I am at the stop sign…speaking of signs…he decided to show me a sign of his own as he passed me.  Now living on a military post, I am used to this macho no need to follow rules crap, so I didn’t think anything of it.  The thing that made me believe that this is going to be a good week, 3 blocks later right before the front gate I see this.

Not just one…but two police cars…Now every bone in my body wanted to flip him off when I passed to return the sign he gave me three blocks ago… but instead I took the high road…and just pointed and laughed as I passed.

This year I SWEAR I won’t be pathetic

Even though this is not my first post of the year… let me say Happy New Year.  This is another “Holiday” that I don’t get.  I know most people see it as a new beginning, a clean slate… I see it as…”Wow…am I really THAT bad.”

I know that I am a little confusing sometimes (at least that’s what my wife tells me, even though everything makes sense to me…and that makes me “Special”) so let me clarify.

Most “happy” people see it as “there is always room for improvement.”  I see it as “I am fat, lazy, pathetic, week, and a bad at spelling and grammar” (If you didn’t notice that I spelled week instead of weak, then you too should admit your spelling and grammar short comings.)

So let’s take a look at my 4 resolutions (resolution is the fancy way of saying “ways to make you less pathetic.”)

1.       QUIT SMOKING

Yes this is a big one. Especially when you are in the military because it seems like every time you quit, they give you a couple reasons to “not be a quitter” because you know, no one likes a quitter.

So there I was a few days into it (actually since “it” means quitting smoking I guess that should read “a few days NOT into it?” once again, bad grammar…maybe I will fix that next year.) and I start having the “CRAVING” for those who have not quit before (and no I am not recommending you start so you can quit so you know what I am talking about) It is almost like those old cartoons when the two people stranded on a island get so hungry, they start picturing each other as a big turkey leg and or other “Tasty” objects.

You see it and smell it everywhere… so there I am trying to just get home before I rob a gas station for a pack of cigarettes and a slim jim (yes I have the money to pay for it, but the “Craving” tells me they will taste better if they are acquired by way of mask and gun.)  So I get to my car you know…a safe place…well a few minutes into the trip, I was stuck in traffic.  I all of a sudden started smelling smoke.  Started to freak out…then I realize, my vents are open and the cars next to me on both sides…AND the car in front of me has their window down smoking.  Once the vents are closed, I start listening to the radio and not joking…in 5 minutes on 6 different radio stations, I counted 12 “Quit smoking” ads…yeah…the thing about that…they almost all start with the sound of someone smoking…you know… the sound I want to be making at that time…so somehow survive, get to my housing community, roll down the window to show I.D.  and the guard on break is smoking behind the gate.  No problem with that, no one could smell it…UNLESS you ARE LIKE ME!!!! AND JUST QUIT!!!!! AND WANT TO Just stand there and SNIFF this random MAN…aaahahaaaaaaa. But then I get home…all is ok…until I turn on the TV… and see this commercial…

2.       Quit Caffeine

So usually quiting smoking would be good enough for any one else…not me…not this “Pathetic Person”… I need to be a STRONG MAN!!!! No need for a crutch…why not also QUIT CAFFEINE!!!!

Sounds easy right… ummm…RIGHT????

Funny thing… lets do a quick list of what usually has caffeine in it…..EVERYTHING!!!!!!!

Stuff you don’t realize that has caffeine… Almost all Pop, coffee, TEA, CHOCOLATE!!!!! Oh…and most over the counter medication.

So this is going to be tough as it is…except for me, I have a Mountain Dew habit.  Something about that very unnatural yellow colored liquid just makes me happy.

This one is actually harder for me than quitting smoking…to prove to you how much I want a Mountain Dew… 4 days into “No caffeine” I see this on the news…

The sad part, this makes me want a Mountain Dew even more.

3.       Work Out more

This is one of those…WHY NOT’s…quit smoking, no caffeine, might as well drop some pounds too.

Not a bad idea, most people would get a gym membership, or a trainer, or a friend to workout with… NOT ME!!!!

I…got a video game. Yup!!! The “ultimate fighter personal trainer” Nothing like losing weight by using the machine that helped me put the weight on to begin with.

Usually would be a great solution…unless you just recently cut caffeine out of your life and quit smoking…if that’s the case…you start realizing that the “video game” starts to get a little “Lippy” with you. 

So I put the game in, as I am trying to read the manual, a girls voice comes on and says “congratulations on your choice to start a healthier life.” Well thank you, pretty sounding girl…still reading…voice comes back on “you have lots of options, choose the best for you and get started with your healthier life.” Well thank you for being helpful, but I am trying to READ and find the best for me…then the voice again…”If you were a REAL ultimate fighter, you would have picked your option by now.” ….SNAP….REALLY!!!! IF I was a REAL ultimate fighter…I wouldn’t need your stupid game, and you wouldn’t have a JOB!!!!! Yes at this point I am YELLING at a computer image of a person on a video game like it’s a real person that I am having a real fight with. It didn’t seem that crazy at the time because after I said that I get…”just pick already.”

So I just shut up, and picked…that’s when my “Trainer” started to pick up where she left off and first started to piss me off by not counting all my repitions (NOTE: I know it’s hard to tell, but I am still talking about a video game trainer…not a real person) well as I am already pissed off, I look up at the screen and saw something that the programmer must have put in the game just to piss ME off… not anyone else, just me.  It seems the “trainer” when you go to slow, stands up and twirls his finger giving you the international “hurry up” sign. At this point…SNAP… (Actually yelled at the video game)

Needless to say…he did.

4.       Be a good man

Just like the blog say’s, I actually decided to make it happen…Yeah as you can tell by my last 3 resolutions…I broke this one day one…But there is always next year.

2011 Year in Review

So as I sit at my desk at work, trying to write my unit’s “Year in Review” article for the newspaper, my mind can’t help but focus…on my BLOG “Year in Review.” 

I want to take this time to thank the acting editor of the newspaper (which is one of my 5 readers) for the inspiration for this post.  You see I wasn’t even thinking of doing anything like this, until I decided to procrastinate on her “Deadline” that she has set for me.

I am so motivated on my BLOG “Year in Review” that I am going to start and finish it during my lunch break so I can have it online immediately, you see I gave myself a deadline, and I never miss deadlines.(gee..do you think this will make the newspaper editor mad since I have had her “Year in Review” assignment for like 2 months and she still doesn’t have it….hmmmm but if she does read this since I will post this at the end of lunch, she can’t call me and yell at me for a few hours because that will prove she is reading my blog during work and not actually WORKING…oh this can be fun.)

So since I started this blog about 6 months ago, all you really have to do is go to older posts and you pretty much already know what happened in 2011 so I decided to point out certain milestones in a way that can only be done on the “grrrrrr” blog.

Now that the boys turned 2 this year, they mastered the art of walking….then immediately MASTERED Running…as in RUNNING AWAY, which for some reason they can’t do without repeating the word RUN.

Also there vocabulary is getting big.  Although they know lots of words to explain their needs and wants, they still mostly stick to their favorites….

And talking about an expansive vocabulary, their favorite word of 2011…

Can’t wait to see what they learn this year.

It’s simple…Pee in a cup, get your check

I do a lot of things on this blog (mostly a “lot” of complaining) but I try not to mention politics, religion, or “No No” topics like that. I also try not to re-post stupid stuff on facebook that my “friends” tell me to re-post, you know...”BLANK died in a crash today and if you don’t re-post, leprechauns will steal your pet…and if you don’t have a pet, they will buy you one…wait a few weeks for you to get attached…then steal it” you know stuff like that. But I saw a post that really spoke to me yesterday.

“Here...let me tick some people off...Did you get drug tested today? Thank you Florida, Kentucky, and Missouri, which are the first states that will require drug testing when applying for welfare. Some people are crying and calling this unconstitutional. How is this unconstitutional? It's OK to drug test people who work for their money but not those who don't?… Re-post this if you'd like to see this done in all 50 states. I just did!! I totally agree it should be mandatory!!”

*IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER* (Me being a responsible Army Public Affairs person I want to make sure this statement is in here just in case more than my usual 6 or so readers look at this)  THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT IS MY OPINION, IT IS NOT AN OFFICIAL OPINION OF THE ARMY, MY UNIT, MY FAMILY, MY WIFE, MY KIDS, OR MY TWO PET FISH THAT I HATE…IT IS MY OPINION.  I WILL NOT TRY TO FIGHT YOU IN AN ABANDONED WAREHOUSE IF YOU DISAGREE; I WILL NOT SECRETLY MAKE A VOODOO DOLL OF YOU TO POKE EVERY NIGHT UNTIL YOU AGREE WITH ME…I JUST FOR ONE TIME WANT TO STRESS MY OPINION ON THIS SUBJECT.

I will start by responding to that post by saying… Actually Yes I did have a drug test today. (not today, but the day the post was sent to me) In fact…yesterday was my 3^rd “random” drug test in about  30 days.  But…I am not getting welfare, I AM  getting paid by the government…I just am a Soldier in the United States Army.

MY OPINION is that if my tax money is going to you (which I have no problem with that) then technically you are a “government employee” you know like me…we get our paycheck from the same guy…good ol’ Uncle Sam.  So since we are both “government employees” we should be held to the same standard.  In the Army the standard pretty much equates to one mandatory test a year…and subject to a random test at anytime. I stress the ANY part because like any good Soldier story starts…One time, when I was deployed to IRAQ….

So MY OPINION  is YES!!!! I think all states should have this.  If you NEED help, we NEED your pee (wait that didn’t sound right.) So suck it up, learn to pee while people are watching (that also doesn’t sound right.) and learn a joke to tell the observer to make them feel really uncomfortable for having to watch.

Child Sleeping Position: The Field Sobriety Test

So it’s been a while since my last “Child Sleeping Position” post, and after last night’s not so “Silent night” (get it a “Christmas reference” I am SO in the holiday spirit) it’s time for my fourth “Child Sleeping Position” post.  For you that are new to the blog go to my old post “Child Sleeping Position:  The upside-down Pirate” for the background info on this post series.  In short, I have noticed all these wonderful positions my children assume when they are sleeping in the “Big Bed” so without further ado….I present to you… Last night’s”The Field Sobriety Test”….

So it started out like any field sobriety test you have seen on TV… arms straight out, then touching his nose… Only my child who likes the challenge decided to also touch my nose, then his nose…The whole time eyes closed sound asleep. 

He then flipped sideways and “walked the straight line” only my spine was the line instead of a line on the pavement. 

He then finished off this wonderful session with loud “sleep babble” which sounded like him reciting the ABC’s backwards (later realized that he was yelling “MY PILLOW” since he wanted the Pillow to himself.)

POSITIVE TO THIS POSITION….

Since it’s the holiday season, Daddy has some special “Holiday Juice” in the refrigerator (I call it Holiday Juice,,, you call it Mai Tai’s … TOW-May-Tow, TAh-MA-Toe) At least since he passed his test in his sleep I know he didn’t get into “Daddy’s Juice.”

The true meaning of Christmas “Operation Neighborhood Light War”

I have always been a Halloween man…Never really understood the hype of Christmas, but really liked a holiday where you dress up, scare people, and get free candy from strangers.  But when you have kids, different holidays have a little more meaning.

This year with the boys being two…Christmas is a big deal.  They love lights, Santa, and Frosty (at least I am pretty sure they like frosty since in less than 3 weeks we have watched the cartoon about 500 times.)

Me being the “think ahead” instinctive man that I am, I knew that this would happen, so I waited until after Christmas last year to get a bunch of Christmas lights on sale.

Since I didn’t have outside decorations growing up, and have never cared, I thought the 200 ft of  lights I got for like 25 dollars and a light up snowman  I got last year would be enough… boy was I wrong.

My false since of “awesome” decorations was also helped by the fact that I had the day before Thanksgiving off so that is when I decorated, that evening when I looked upon the splendor of festiveness I called my house, I was truly in awe (since no one else had anything up)

I have conquered Christmas on my first attempt… it was a lot easier than I thought… Until later that weekend when I looked outside and saw….

Wow…blinking lights, dangling lights, chasing lights OH MY!!!

MAN THINKING…”In less than 48hours, I officially ruined Christmas for my family…or did I…it’s still November…It’s the weekend, Time to go shopping”

My original idea of buying a few decorations after Christmas every year went out the window…For I would be the “King of Christmas” THIS year.

Trying to still save money I decided to go to “Price busters” yes I only spent 20 dollars, but all I got is two solar light Santa heads that you can’t tell when the light comes on…. And a 4 foot solar Santa that doesn’t even work even though I changed the batteries twice.

Having failed again…I was going to let it go…until one night (since we currently live in Hawaii the window is open almost all the time to let the cool breeze flow through the house) I heard the neighbors walking outside and the husband said to his wife “we need more lights.”

AAAAAAHHH HAAA!!!!  It was a competition, I wasn’t Paranoid, they feel threatened by my  “Yuletide” (Am I saying that right…I’m new at this Christmas spirit stuff)  I can still be king…so the next day…

So after going to three different stores, and spending more than 5 times my original budget last year my house was ready for the competition…

I DID IT!!! Waited a few days…no activity from the neighbor…One week into December…I won.

But what did I win…NOTHING.

On my way home from work last week I drove the long way around the block… and I saw a house seven houses away,,, so extravagant that not only could you see it from space… It has several different “Scenes” playing out in separate areas in there yard, then the next house over has snow in the yard for their mechanical deer’s to stand on “SNOW!!!!! THIS IS HAWAII AND HE HAS SNOW!!!!!”  Another house had a Santa train on the roof, another had 3 inflatable’s…and so on and so on.

Now it’s the week before Christmas I am probably the 8^th best house on the block.  Me being in the “Christmas spirit” I figured I can’t win this year but I am half tempted to leave my mark.  Since my Christmas is now ruined…I want to write a message to the neighbor kids in lights.

After all of this…I can’t wait until next year…it is so ON!!!!

Merry Christmas.

Can’t I just photoshop my kids memories

So I know what you are thinking, you went months without a post, post once, then wait a few weeks. 

Let me start by saying I am sorry (I know the “Man” code tells me never to apologize but I will make the exception just for you…my few readers.)

I was on vacation… Unlike most people I write my best posts when I have no time to write them down.  So usually the best way for me to do a post is write it during my lunch break at work, and draw it at the end of the work day. So as you can tell…vacation is over.

So I took the family to the new Disney hotel here in Hawaii.  It was INCREDIBLE.  Incredibly fun, Incredibly relaxing, and INCREDIBLY EXPENSIVE. (Note…a lot cheaper for me since they give a 25% off military discount but only if you reserve over the phone and ask for it.)

While on vacation I took a lot of pictures, 1. To show them to family and friends since we always live far away from them…and 2. For memories.

This made me think (for you women out there that always wanted to know what it’s like in a MAN’s head…here is a taste) …we need all of these photos since the boys are too young to remember… all they will have from this trip is the pictures….if this is true….why can’t I just photoshop some “memories” and save some money?

The simple answer why not….because I am a man and I don’t know when “enough is enough.”

If I did it once…

Then I would have to show them that I wasn’t just a cool dad that day, so I would have to be cool for their birthday too…

And to make sure they had “MAN-LY” memories…

So I came to the conclusion, that unless I want my boys to be the “special” kids growing up that not only swear that they were there when “President Captain America” was sworn into office and have a picture to prove it…I should probably just “Man” up…and pay for their memories like everyone else.

The Character I played in a Musical is "Man-lier" than me

So it has been a while since my last post, I couldn’t find the time between work, family, and… a musical.  Now I know what you are thinking… How is being in a musical “Manly” (especially when it is “The Rocky Horror Show.) The answer…it isn’t….unless you are the character I played… EDDIE!!!

For you that are trying to keep your man card and pretending you don’t know who that is, it is the character played by Meatloaf in the movie.

After a few rehearsals my world crashed down around me when I realized “The Character I played in a Musical is Man-lier than me.”

Now I know you are thinking that there is no way anyone real or make-believe can be Man-lier than me but I will tell you to sit down, get a nice warm beverage, and cancel your plans for the rest of the day because the truth is a little nerve racking.

CLOTHING

As you can see from the picture, EDDIE looks fierce (not Tyra Banks “Fierce” but the I will build you a village just to burn it down type of “Fierce”) with a leather jacket, black boots, ripped jeans, and a skull cap showing just a little brain. I…when not in uniform, usually rock an ironic T-shirt, Pajama pants, and my newly acquired trucker hat with reindeer antlers (I only wear the hat because it’s getting close to Christmas…however I am contemplating starting a trend and wearing horrible holiday gear in the summer months only.)

TRANSPORTATION

So Eddie is known for being a bad boy biker, I on the other hand, drive a PRIUS… usually this is when I defend my car by saying “Yeah, but it gets good mileage”… however depending on the type of bike (we don’t know what kind it is because like the picture says I won’t even attempt to draw a motorcycle) it probably beats the Prius in that category too.

LIFESTYLE

Yeah so Eddie stays up all night taking drugs, chasing women, and chasing the drugs with beer.  I usually try to start winding down no later than 8 o’clock, chasing little boys to bed, and chasing my SLEEPY PILL with apple juice and a episode of Glee.

INJURIES

And last but by not least…by the time you see Eddie appear on stage he is dripping blood, brain hanging out, and still able to bring the house down with the song “Hot Patootie.” ME…..TRUE STORY…after the last show, we were tearing the set down and I happened to grab a piece of wood that had a nail sticking out.  I got a cut probably less than an inch long, I immediately got a band aid, but as I was cleaning the “WOUND” I almost started crying from the alcohol wipes I was using to keep my “Boo Boo” from getting infected.

So the moral to the story…Eddie might be more of a Man, but the musical is over, he is dead (In fact since he dies so fast, I also was in the chorus the rest of the time and ended up dying twice every show) and I am the last man standing… so I WIN.

 

How to balance Man-liness

So I get the question everyday…How are you so Man-ly??? Well O.K….I don’t get that question EVERY day…O.K. so I have never been asked it…but if I was…I think the answer would be “It’s all about balance.”  I think the key to being a “Good Man” (the name of the blog right???) Is not just being overtly manly…you have to have another side to your Man-liness.

I think I have a good balance…one part “Man’s Man” one part “Not so Man-ly” and sprinkle in a little geek.

Here are some real events that happened in my life within the past 2 weeks.

While I was auditioning for “Rocky Horror Picture Show,” my “Man-dar” (I should trade mark that phrase) somehow found a T.V. within a few feet of the music room that was showing a football game.

When playing with my son’s…we took turns in between dancing, and fighting.

After waiting all Sunday to find out who won the “Glee Project”and who will be on the next season of Glee …I then watched the season premier of “Top Shot” a show where they have to shoot different weapons in different scenarios.

And last but by FAR not least…as I took a road trip this weekend, the boys were asleep and I was singing along to the radio and I followed up “Let the bodies hit the floor” with ABBA’s “Fernando.”

So the moral to the story,,,and the answer to the question no one asks me (except in my head)…MODERATION…and by the way…I still don’t know if I look good in fish nets…and I plan to never know.