A good Monday morning

For most, well adjusted, responsible adults, a story about a good Monday usually starts with chirping birds, and the smell of coffee and bacon wafting gently into your nose holes (I know I could have said nostrils but “nose holes” seems more poetic.)

Well luckily for us… I am not that person, in fact the reason this morning was incredible for me… it ends with someone else feeling like crap.

So I wake up like normal…you know, the 3^rd time my alarm goes off…normal.  Brush teeth, shave, change… normal.  Get into my Prius…(not normal for most manly men…but for me…NORMAL.)  Driving down the road with an angry truck tailgating…for me… normal… you see I like to do a thing called “Driving the speed limit” (I know the majority of you have no idea what I am talking about, but especially in a housing area early in the morning…you should try it.)

So I get to the stop sign and unlike most people…I STOP… not slow down…stop.  Luckily I did this, because the truck behind me couldn’t take going the speed limit anymore (maybe because he is only getting 5 miles a gallon in his “Testosterone Mobile” and he needed to go fill up.) So he takes off and passes me as I am at the stop sign…speaking of signs…he decided to show me a sign of his own as he passed me.  Now living on a military post, I am used to this macho no need to follow rules crap, so I didn’t think anything of it.  The thing that made me believe that this is going to be a good week, 3 blocks later right before the front gate I see this.

Not just one…but two police cars…Now every bone in my body wanted to flip him off when I passed to return the sign he gave me three blocks ago… but instead I took the high road…and just pointed and laughed as I passed.

This year I SWEAR I won’t be pathetic

Even though this is not my first post of the year… let me say Happy New Year.  This is another “Holiday” that I don’t get.  I know most people see it as a new beginning, a clean slate… I see it as…”Wow…am I really THAT bad.”

I know that I am a little confusing sometimes (at least that’s what my wife tells me, even though everything makes sense to me…and that makes me “Special”) so let me clarify.

Most “happy” people see it as “there is always room for improvement.”  I see it as “I am fat, lazy, pathetic, week, and a bad at spelling and grammar” (If you didn’t notice that I spelled week instead of weak, then you too should admit your spelling and grammar short comings.)

So let’s take a look at my 4 resolutions (resolution is the fancy way of saying “ways to make you less pathetic.”)

1.       QUIT SMOKING

Yes this is a big one. Especially when you are in the military because it seems like every time you quit, they give you a couple reasons to “not be a quitter” because you know, no one likes a quitter.

So there I was a few days into it (actually since “it” means quitting smoking I guess that should read “a few days NOT into it?” once again, bad grammar…maybe I will fix that next year.) and I start having the “CRAVING” for those who have not quit before (and no I am not recommending you start so you can quit so you know what I am talking about) It is almost like those old cartoons when the two people stranded on a island get so hungry, they start picturing each other as a big turkey leg and or other “Tasty” objects.

You see it and smell it everywhere… so there I am trying to just get home before I rob a gas station for a pack of cigarettes and a slim jim (yes I have the money to pay for it, but the “Craving” tells me they will taste better if they are acquired by way of mask and gun.)  So I get to my car you know…a safe place…well a few minutes into the trip, I was stuck in traffic.  I all of a sudden started smelling smoke.  Started to freak out…then I realize, my vents are open and the cars next to me on both sides…AND the car in front of me has their window down smoking.  Once the vents are closed, I start listening to the radio and not joking…in 5 minutes on 6 different radio stations, I counted 12 “Quit smoking” ads…yeah…the thing about that…they almost all start with the sound of someone smoking…you know… the sound I want to be making at that time…so somehow survive, get to my housing community, roll down the window to show I.D.  and the guard on break is smoking behind the gate.  No problem with that, no one could smell it…UNLESS you ARE LIKE ME!!!! AND JUST QUIT!!!!! AND WANT TO Just stand there and SNIFF this random MAN…aaahahaaaaaaa. But then I get home…all is ok…until I turn on the TV… and see this commercial…

2.       Quit Caffeine

So usually quiting smoking would be good enough for any one else…not me…not this “Pathetic Person”… I need to be a STRONG MAN!!!! No need for a crutch…why not also QUIT CAFFEINE!!!!

Sounds easy right… ummm…RIGHT????

Funny thing… lets do a quick list of what usually has caffeine in it…..EVERYTHING!!!!!!!

Stuff you don’t realize that has caffeine… Almost all Pop, coffee, TEA, CHOCOLATE!!!!! Oh…and most over the counter medication.

So this is going to be tough as it is…except for me, I have a Mountain Dew habit.  Something about that very unnatural yellow colored liquid just makes me happy.

This one is actually harder for me than quitting smoking…to prove to you how much I want a Mountain Dew… 4 days into “No caffeine” I see this on the news…

The sad part, this makes me want a Mountain Dew even more.

3.       Work Out more

This is one of those…WHY NOT’s…quit smoking, no caffeine, might as well drop some pounds too.

Not a bad idea, most people would get a gym membership, or a trainer, or a friend to workout with… NOT ME!!!!

I…got a video game. Yup!!! The “ultimate fighter personal trainer” Nothing like losing weight by using the machine that helped me put the weight on to begin with.

Usually would be a great solution…unless you just recently cut caffeine out of your life and quit smoking…if that’s the case…you start realizing that the “video game” starts to get a little “Lippy” with you. 

So I put the game in, as I am trying to read the manual, a girls voice comes on and says “congratulations on your choice to start a healthier life.” Well thank you, pretty sounding girl…still reading…voice comes back on “you have lots of options, choose the best for you and get started with your healthier life.” Well thank you for being helpful, but I am trying to READ and find the best for me…then the voice again…”If you were a REAL ultimate fighter, you would have picked your option by now.” ….SNAP….REALLY!!!! IF I was a REAL ultimate fighter…I wouldn’t need your stupid game, and you wouldn’t have a JOB!!!!! Yes at this point I am YELLING at a computer image of a person on a video game like it’s a real person that I am having a real fight with. It didn’t seem that crazy at the time because after I said that I get…”just pick already.”

So I just shut up, and picked…that’s when my “Trainer” started to pick up where she left off and first started to piss me off by not counting all my repitions (NOTE: I know it’s hard to tell, but I am still talking about a video game trainer…not a real person) well as I am already pissed off, I look up at the screen and saw something that the programmer must have put in the game just to piss ME off… not anyone else, just me.  It seems the “trainer” when you go to slow, stands up and twirls his finger giving you the international “hurry up” sign. At this point…SNAP… (Actually yelled at the video game)

Needless to say…he did.

4.       Be a good man

Just like the blog say’s, I actually decided to make it happen…Yeah as you can tell by my last 3 resolutions…I broke this one day one…But there is always next year.

2011 Year in Review

So as I sit at my desk at work, trying to write my unit’s “Year in Review” article for the newspaper, my mind can’t help but focus…on my BLOG “Year in Review.” 

I want to take this time to thank the acting editor of the newspaper (which is one of my 5 readers) for the inspiration for this post.  You see I wasn’t even thinking of doing anything like this, until I decided to procrastinate on her “Deadline” that she has set for me.

I am so motivated on my BLOG “Year in Review” that I am going to start and finish it during my lunch break so I can have it online immediately, you see I gave myself a deadline, and I never miss deadlines.(gee..do you think this will make the newspaper editor mad since I have had her “Year in Review” assignment for like 2 months and she still doesn’t have it….hmmmm but if she does read this since I will post this at the end of lunch, she can’t call me and yell at me for a few hours because that will prove she is reading my blog during work and not actually WORKING…oh this can be fun.)

So since I started this blog about 6 months ago, all you really have to do is go to older posts and you pretty much already know what happened in 2011 so I decided to point out certain milestones in a way that can only be done on the “grrrrrr” blog.

Now that the boys turned 2 this year, they mastered the art of walking….then immediately MASTERED Running…as in RUNNING AWAY, which for some reason they can’t do without repeating the word RUN.

Also there vocabulary is getting big.  Although they know lots of words to explain their needs and wants, they still mostly stick to their favorites….

And talking about an expansive vocabulary, their favorite word of 2011…

Can’t wait to see what they learn this year.

It’s simple…Pee in a cup, get your check

I do a lot of things on this blog (mostly a “lot” of complaining) but I try not to mention politics, religion, or “No No” topics like that. I also try not to re-post stupid stuff on facebook that my “friends” tell me to re-post, you know...”BLANK died in a crash today and if you don’t re-post, leprechauns will steal your pet…and if you don’t have a pet, they will buy you one…wait a few weeks for you to get attached…then steal it” you know stuff like that. But I saw a post that really spoke to me yesterday.

“Here...let me tick some people off...Did you get drug tested today? Thank you Florida, Kentucky, and Missouri, which are the first states that will require drug testing when applying for welfare. Some people are crying and calling this unconstitutional. How is this unconstitutional? It's OK to drug test people who work for their money but not those who don't?… Re-post this if you'd like to see this done in all 50 states. I just did!! I totally agree it should be mandatory!!”

*IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER* (Me being a responsible Army Public Affairs person I want to make sure this statement is in here just in case more than my usual 6 or so readers look at this)  THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT IS MY OPINION, IT IS NOT AN OFFICIAL OPINION OF THE ARMY, MY UNIT, MY FAMILY, MY WIFE, MY KIDS, OR MY TWO PET FISH THAT I HATE…IT IS MY OPINION.  I WILL NOT TRY TO FIGHT YOU IN AN ABANDONED WAREHOUSE IF YOU DISAGREE; I WILL NOT SECRETLY MAKE A VOODOO DOLL OF YOU TO POKE EVERY NIGHT UNTIL YOU AGREE WITH ME…I JUST FOR ONE TIME WANT TO STRESS MY OPINION ON THIS SUBJECT.

I will start by responding to that post by saying… Actually Yes I did have a drug test today. (not today, but the day the post was sent to me) In fact…yesterday was my 3^rd “random” drug test in about  30 days.  But…I am not getting welfare, I AM  getting paid by the government…I just am a Soldier in the United States Army.

MY OPINION is that if my tax money is going to you (which I have no problem with that) then technically you are a “government employee” you know like me…we get our paycheck from the same guy…good ol’ Uncle Sam.  So since we are both “government employees” we should be held to the same standard.  In the Army the standard pretty much equates to one mandatory test a year…and subject to a random test at anytime. I stress the ANY part because like any good Soldier story starts…One time, when I was deployed to IRAQ….

So MY OPINION  is YES!!!! I think all states should have this.  If you NEED help, we NEED your pee (wait that didn’t sound right.) So suck it up, learn to pee while people are watching (that also doesn’t sound right.) and learn a joke to tell the observer to make them feel really uncomfortable for having to watch.

Child Sleeping Position: The Field Sobriety Test

So it’s been a while since my last “Child Sleeping Position” post, and after last night’s not so “Silent night” (get it a “Christmas reference” I am SO in the holiday spirit) it’s time for my fourth “Child Sleeping Position” post.  For you that are new to the blog go to my old post “Child Sleeping Position:  The upside-down Pirate” for the background info on this post series.  In short, I have noticed all these wonderful positions my children assume when they are sleeping in the “Big Bed” so without further ado….I present to you… Last night’s”The Field Sobriety Test”….

So it started out like any field sobriety test you have seen on TV… arms straight out, then touching his nose… Only my child who likes the challenge decided to also touch my nose, then his nose…The whole time eyes closed sound asleep. 

He then flipped sideways and “walked the straight line” only my spine was the line instead of a line on the pavement. 

He then finished off this wonderful session with loud “sleep babble” which sounded like him reciting the ABC’s backwards (later realized that he was yelling “MY PILLOW” since he wanted the Pillow to himself.)

POSITIVE TO THIS POSITION….

Since it’s the holiday season, Daddy has some special “Holiday Juice” in the refrigerator (I call it Holiday Juice,,, you call it Mai Tai’s … TOW-May-Tow, TAh-MA-Toe) At least since he passed his test in his sleep I know he didn’t get into “Daddy’s Juice.”

The true meaning of Christmas “Operation Neighborhood Light War”

I have always been a Halloween man…Never really understood the hype of Christmas, but really liked a holiday where you dress up, scare people, and get free candy from strangers.  But when you have kids, different holidays have a little more meaning.

This year with the boys being two…Christmas is a big deal.  They love lights, Santa, and Frosty (at least I am pretty sure they like frosty since in less than 3 weeks we have watched the cartoon about 500 times.)

Me being the “think ahead” instinctive man that I am, I knew that this would happen, so I waited until after Christmas last year to get a bunch of Christmas lights on sale.

Since I didn’t have outside decorations growing up, and have never cared, I thought the 200 ft of  lights I got for like 25 dollars and a light up snowman  I got last year would be enough… boy was I wrong.

My false since of “awesome” decorations was also helped by the fact that I had the day before Thanksgiving off so that is when I decorated, that evening when I looked upon the splendor of festiveness I called my house, I was truly in awe (since no one else had anything up)

I have conquered Christmas on my first attempt… it was a lot easier than I thought… Until later that weekend when I looked outside and saw….

Wow…blinking lights, dangling lights, chasing lights OH MY!!!

MAN THINKING…”In less than 48hours, I officially ruined Christmas for my family…or did I…it’s still November…It’s the weekend, Time to go shopping”

My original idea of buying a few decorations after Christmas every year went out the window…For I would be the “King of Christmas” THIS year.

Trying to still save money I decided to go to “Price busters” yes I only spent 20 dollars, but all I got is two solar light Santa heads that you can’t tell when the light comes on…. And a 4 foot solar Santa that doesn’t even work even though I changed the batteries twice.

Having failed again…I was going to let it go…until one night (since we currently live in Hawaii the window is open almost all the time to let the cool breeze flow through the house) I heard the neighbors walking outside and the husband said to his wife “we need more lights.”

AAAAAAHHH HAAA!!!!  It was a competition, I wasn’t Paranoid, they feel threatened by my  “Yuletide” (Am I saying that right…I’m new at this Christmas spirit stuff)  I can still be king…so the next day…

So after going to three different stores, and spending more than 5 times my original budget last year my house was ready for the competition…

I DID IT!!! Waited a few days…no activity from the neighbor…One week into December…I won.

But what did I win…NOTHING.

On my way home from work last week I drove the long way around the block… and I saw a house seven houses away,,, so extravagant that not only could you see it from space… It has several different “Scenes” playing out in separate areas in there yard, then the next house over has snow in the yard for their mechanical deer’s to stand on “SNOW!!!!! THIS IS HAWAII AND HE HAS SNOW!!!!!”  Another house had a Santa train on the roof, another had 3 inflatable’s…and so on and so on.

Now it’s the week before Christmas I am probably the 8^th best house on the block.  Me being in the “Christmas spirit” I figured I can’t win this year but I am half tempted to leave my mark.  Since my Christmas is now ruined…I want to write a message to the neighbor kids in lights.

After all of this…I can’t wait until next year…it is so ON!!!!

Merry Christmas.

Can’t I just photoshop my kids memories

So I know what you are thinking, you went months without a post, post once, then wait a few weeks. 

Let me start by saying I am sorry (I know the “Man” code tells me never to apologize but I will make the exception just for you…my few readers.)

I was on vacation… Unlike most people I write my best posts when I have no time to write them down.  So usually the best way for me to do a post is write it during my lunch break at work, and draw it at the end of the work day. So as you can tell…vacation is over.

So I took the family to the new Disney hotel here in Hawaii.  It was INCREDIBLE.  Incredibly fun, Incredibly relaxing, and INCREDIBLY EXPENSIVE. (Note…a lot cheaper for me since they give a 25% off military discount but only if you reserve over the phone and ask for it.)

While on vacation I took a lot of pictures, 1. To show them to family and friends since we always live far away from them…and 2. For memories.

This made me think (for you women out there that always wanted to know what it’s like in a MAN’s head…here is a taste) …we need all of these photos since the boys are too young to remember… all they will have from this trip is the pictures….if this is true….why can’t I just photoshop some “memories” and save some money?

The simple answer why not….because I am a man and I don’t know when “enough is enough.”

If I did it once…

Then I would have to show them that I wasn’t just a cool dad that day, so I would have to be cool for their birthday too…

And to make sure they had “MAN-LY” memories…

So I came to the conclusion, that unless I want my boys to be the “special” kids growing up that not only swear that they were there when “President Captain America” was sworn into office and have a picture to prove it…I should probably just “Man” up…and pay for their memories like everyone else.