Oh wait a second, don't think this is when I am going to preach about being good examples, live longer to watch our kids grow, be able to teach them how to play sports, and other gooey crap like that (did I say crap, I mean....those are all good reasons.) But the most important reason was revealed to me last week at Six Flags...
Yes, not only is their a height limit, but in certain ways there is a weight or size limit on rides as well.
No not all rides, in fact this is not something that has anything to do with adult rides, this is for adults riding with their "too small to ride on their own" children on kids rides (I am sorry if I scared any of you hefty single adults, enjoy nickel potato chip taco and gallon soda night on me.)
So parents, if you have never taken your kids to a theme park, you will notice that the "measuring stick of ride-atude" looks a little different for kid rides. You see this stick is usually colored red or black at the bottom, green in the middle, then another red or black at the top...to decipher...if your kid is in the color at the bottom, it is now your turn to step up and be judged since YOU now have to accompany them. So if you are in the middle color, congratulations, you have moved on to round 2 and you now have the chance to be fully embarrassed in front of both adults and children.
Round 2 starts with a very stressful wait. You slowly creep to the front of the line stopping every couple of seconds to watch as other parents hang their head in shame and walk away from the ride trying to console their screaming kid since they can not ride said ride...you see just because you are tall enough, you now have to put your kid in the ride, fit your whole body in the ride without crushing your kid, buckle a seatbelt made for healthy 6 year olds over yours and you child's waist....and...let the padded bar down and it has to click locked at least once.
This is the part where I will be honest with you my few readers... As we headed up, about 75 percent of all parents that tried, were not fitting in. I was very scared...you see I am a bigger guy. I weigh around 2... lets just say I am about 6''1 in height...and I have a weight too. I was afraid that I would have to explain to my boys that they couldn't ride a rollercoaster because dad's first question whenever offered a salad is "can I have extra ranch?" Now I have been running a lot lately, but I almost lost it when the dad two kids ahead of me, FAILED. The reason I was freaking, he was about a foot shorter than me and not too fluffy.
The moment of truth came...kid in...check, I get in and the boy is still breathing...check, try to buckle the belt...come on...use your strength and suck in...by the power of grayskull click...check, I was in...I did it...nope...not yet. The ride person then put the protective arm down (explaining to me in that "you know you are not going to fit and its not my fault" tone of voice,) "Now sir, for single children riding it has to click down 3 locks...for adults...we just need one click." All I can think is "Lady...pretend like you are in labor and PUSH!!!"
After the third try (no I am not being funny) I heard what we learn in the Army as a "Metallic Click" and at the same moment the heavens opened up and a choir of angels serenaded me with Queens "We are the champions." Don't believe me...
And yes the parent in the red sleeved shirt is being kicked off for being too big.
Morale of the story, keep the weight off and you can secretly gloat at the other parents that wouldn't fit. Also you won't have to go on a rant about "this is 'Merica, I can be whatever size I want to be," and you will save money not having to bribe your child's tears away with sugary treats which would complete the circle of obesity.
