Staying healthy for your kids (AKA the Rollercoaster Fiasco)

I know we as proud AAH-Mericans are fully aware that we are fighting a losing battle against obesity (also known as the "6 cheeseburgers for 3 dollars...score" disease,) But it's about time that we as parents really need to start slimming down and doing our part.

Oh wait a second, don't think this is when I am going to preach about being good examples, live longer to watch our kids grow, be able to teach them how to play sports, and other gooey crap like that (did I say crap, I mean....those are all good reasons.) But the most important reason was revealed to me last week at Six Flags...

Yes, not only is their a height limit, but in certain ways there is a weight or size limit on rides as well.

No not all rides, in fact this is not something that has anything to do with adult rides, this is for adults riding with their "too small to ride on their own" children on kids rides (I am sorry if I scared any of you hefty single adults, enjoy nickel potato chip taco and gallon soda night on me.)

So parents, if you have never taken your kids to a theme park, you will notice that the "measuring stick of ride-atude" looks a little different for kid rides.  You see this stick is usually colored red or black at the bottom, green in the middle, then another red or black at the top...to decipher...if your kid is in the color at the bottom, it is now your turn to step up and be judged since YOU now have to accompany them. So if you are in the middle color, congratulations, you have moved on to round 2 and you now have the chance to be fully embarrassed in front of both adults and children.

Round 2 starts with a very stressful wait. You slowly creep to the front of the line stopping every couple of seconds to watch as other parents hang their head in shame and walk away from the ride trying to console their screaming kid since they can not ride said ride...you see just because you are tall enough, you now have to put your kid in the ride, fit your whole body in the ride without crushing your kid, buckle a seatbelt made for healthy 6 year olds over yours and you child's waist....and...let the padded bar down and it has to click locked at least once.

This is the part where I will be honest with you my few readers... As we headed up, about 75 percent of all parents that tried, were not fitting in.  I was very scared...you see I am a bigger guy.  I weigh around 2... lets just say I am about 6''1 in height...and I have a weight too. I was afraid that I would have to explain to my boys that they couldn't ride a rollercoaster because dad's first question whenever offered a salad is "can I have extra ranch?" Now I have been running a lot lately, but I almost lost it when the dad two kids ahead of me, FAILED.  The reason I was freaking, he was about a foot shorter than me and not too fluffy. 

The moment of truth came...kid in...check, I get in and the boy is still breathing...check, try to buckle the belt...come on...use your strength and suck in...by the power of grayskull click...check, I was in...I did it...nope...not yet. The ride person then put the protective arm down (explaining to me in that "you know you are not going to fit and its not my fault" tone of voice,) "Now sir, for single children riding it has to click down 3 locks...for adults...we just need one click."  All I can think is "Lady...pretend like you are in labor and PUSH!!!"

After the third try (no I am not being funny) I heard what we learn in the Army as a "Metallic Click" and at the same moment the heavens opened up and a choir of angels serenaded me with Queens "We are the champions."  Don't believe me...

And yes the parent in the red sleeved shirt is being kicked off for being too big.

Morale of the story, keep the weight off and you can secretly gloat at the other parents that wouldn't fit.  Also you won't have to go on a rant about "this is 'Merica, I can be whatever size I want to be," and you will save money not having to bribe your child's tears away with sugary treats which would complete the circle of obesity.

Can you really give your kids their old toys again for good behavior

So the boys just turned three this week, yet we have still had off and on problems with keeping them in their beds at night. Since I took two weeks off of work, I decided to take this time to fix the problem.  Now I know that there will be different schools of thoughts on my parenting skills (even though I am wondering why I haven't been approached on writing a parenting book since I am THAT good.) but sometimes even I am amazed at how easy this parenting thing is. (like I said  I am THAT good.)

So my first weekend of vacation I went to Toys R us, and picked up a  LOT of toys on sale.  I then decided that every night before their bedtime story I would make a  big production and lay out all of the the toys and let them pick out which toy they would get if they stayed in their bed all night. I would say that this was the easiest part, however it was really difficult sometimes to not sway them in their decision just because I secretly wanted to play with a certain toy in the morning.

The first night was a little difficult, but the whole week in general was really good. But then we started running out of the COOL toys (and that's not just me saying that, the boys were saying that too.) Now I knew that I was going to have to slowly taper off, but that's when Greyson...the smart little cookie that he is...instead gave me a better idea.

Now to you, that might not be anything special...except, that is the Ironman toy that he got a few months ago. I tried to tell him that it was already his but he insisted "Dad I want Ironman for staying in bed."

I started to have a moral dilemma, should I really do this, knowing that he has stayed in his bed for seven nights now, he will get it in the morning, everyone wins right...well about 3 in the morning I got this...

 

So now comes moral dilemma #2... he didn't stay in his bed, but that is already his toy... so what do you do, what should a Awesome parent like me do??? Lets just put it this way Greyson is really excited to stay in his bed tonight to get his Ironman back... and now I am wondering what other skills I can get them to learn by leveraging Christmas.

Preseason football is just like going to high school

So I can’t believe that preseason football is almost over and I haven’t even had a football post yet this year.

Usually preseason is the best time to be a Seahawks fan, because you can pretend that “this is our year,” however this year (and this might just be the “preseason” talking) but this actually is our year. (ask me again in about 6 weeks.)

I love this time of year, everyone still has hopes and dreams, and everyone is still a Superbowl contender. It’s great; however I have realized that Preseason is a lot like High School

This year the NFL has a new uniform maker (Nike) so just like the first day of school, I was excited to see what all the “Cool” kids were wearing this year.

Then you have all the drama of who is dating who, or as I see it “Free Agency.”

Then like the beginning of the school year…you have to pick your “Homecoming King.” For football fans, unless you have a solid quarterback…that is what selecting QB 1 is like.

Luckily all the drama is almost over, and the real season starts next week. Now… if we can just do something with these substitute teachers…I mean replacement referees.

They Took My Wisdom Teeth, Then I Did Something Stupid (Go Figure)

WARNING!!! I just want to start off by letting you know that I  started writing this at 3A.M. so this post is brought to you courtesy of a very long day, and Oxycodone.

So most people when I mentioned getting my wisdom teeth pulled, all of sudden made the sound of air gushing out of a tire accompanied by the "I might of just killed your pet goldfish look." (for you that don't know that look, it's when someone has to tell you something bad "I killed your pet" but I don't know if it's all that bad since it's just a goldfish.) But from my experience, there wasn't much pain, just a lot of weirdness.

To start off, my dentist even told me that there was nothing "really" wrong with my wisdom teeth, but since I am getting older, and it's more complicated and riskier to take them out the older you get, they just wanted to take them out to be safe.  So in my mind the conversation went like this...

So even though I am the embodiment of MAN-liness, I am not afraid to say that I was really freaked out when I sat down in the chair.  I already hate dentists, now pair that with the fact that  I have never been "put to sleep" before. 

So I think the doctor notice this and tried to calm me down by asking me what kind of music I want to listen to.  Me being oh so wise (since they didn't steal my wisdom yet) thought 1. I am going to be asleep in a few minutes so I don't care. 2. I didn't want to pick anything that the people ripping body parts out of me while I am unconscious might not like so I said "whatever you like." This sent Him squealing like a little school girl when he said...

So they asked me a few more question and then it was time.

For you that have never "went under" before, without exaggerating, it went just like this.

Dr- Are you ready to go to sleep?
Me- Yeeeaah
Nurse- You have to get up your wife is waiting for you.

For most people that is when the story would finish...NOT THIS GUY!!!! That's when it gets fun.

So evidently when I am "drugged up" I turn into Dori the memory losing fish from "finding nemo." (I know a Disney reference, maybe the doctors music choice secretly got to me me?) I don't remember much of what happened but I was told that like usual, I was very worried about my workplace getting my proper paperwork so it started at the hospital.  According to my wife, it went like this...

But don't feel bad for her, because I guess in this state I also became a Hugger. Because evidently I wanted to make sure I gave the nurse a hug.

So I also found out that my wisdom teeth were actually holding back my true super power, because evidently in my "drug induced state" people just let me do whatever I want. Starting with the ride home.

What my wife should have done is strap me into the car and drive me home, what I convinced her to do, is let me go to the smoothie place a block away from my office, and talk to people in my company...which I have no idea what I said, but I will probably find out Monday when I am back at work.

Some how I then convinced her to let me turn in my paperwork to my office (I think my wife just figured that since I bugged the doctor so much for it, I might as well just turn it in.)

So that's when I decided it was a GREAT IDEA to make copies of my paperwork by going into the "Command Group" and pass by all the really important peoples office, to use their copier.

Luckily I had one of my Soldiers see me, and without hesitation grab me and my paperwork, and very effectively get me out of there into my office (thank you so much Spc. Dusterhoft.)  But somehow I also managed to have her let me somehow talk to my Sergeant Major, and accept a work task, where I somehow not only managed to log on to my government computer, but then log on to a password protected website, where I FIXED A GRAMMAR MISTAKE ON A NEWS STORY!!!!

However, I can not wait to find out all the stuff that happened since I can not remember hardly anything.

So overall, not a bad experience, but my advice to you is just stay away from work and go home and sleep.

I could have been a contender (2012 Olympics)

So with the Summer Olympics being two days from being over, I decided why not do a post about it.  Mostly since the Summer Olympics are every four years, and I probably won’t still be writing on the blog by then, so this might be my first and last Olympic blog post (tears stream down my face.)

So I decided to post about the 3 events rated from worst to best using the Olympic standard rating system (actually 4 because I can’t help myself) that either I want to medal in, or I feel I could medal in.

Honorable Mention: Group Rhythmic Gymnastics

So did you know that there is an Olympic event that is practically part of a “Cirque du Soleil” show?

Imagine 5 people spinning ribbons, juggling basketballs and rings, while adding in a little dance and ballet.

So I put this as honorable mention since they only have it for women, so I can’t even pretend to be able to compete or medal in this event, or else it would be like the old SNL spoof with Martin Short and his friend trying to be male synchronized swimmers.

Bronze Medal: Trampoline

So this goes in the category of “yup…I could do that.”

Pretty much we are handing out medals for what we used to do on a summer night at the rich kids house.

Silver Medal: Badminton

So another “yup… I could do that.”

Mostly it just barely edged out trampoline and mostly because I respect the sport just a little more because it’s so hard to spell.

But yes, this is the same sport that all of us that went to public school had to play at P.E.

The funny thing is you would think we would be good at this since we have been secretly training every American since grade school P.E., but the American’s did not even win one badminton medal this year.

Gold : 10 KM Marathon Swimming

Oh yeah you read that right. 10 Kilometers worth of swimming. For you that only speak “Ah-mur-I-cun” (American) measurements, that is  6.213712 miles…of SWIMMING.

By far, not a medal I think I can win, but would be awesome to brag about.

Most people can’t watch a 10K on T.V. let alone RUN one, let alone SWIM it. So it earns my “little known but AWESOME” Olympic sport this year. I guess that is all for at least two years (if I am still blogging at that point) where I will talk about how easily I could be an Olympic Curler.

Raising Nerdy Non-Violent Children (How to teach kids not to hit)

So it has been almost a year since my last post on this blog, I have not totally given up, but I do have a new group blog that I contribute to (SHAMELESS PLUG) http://gluttonsgamersandgeeks.blogspot.com/

But I am going to try to post on this blog every now and then. And sometimes if the posts fit, I will put a variation of the post on both sites.  Anyway….

So raising two man-ly boys is a difficult task.  In fact, sometimes the house erupts from man-liness so much, that we have to tone it down a bit by watching stuff like “Team USA female Olympics,” (any team that has someone named the “flying squirrel” can’t be that bad.)  But another difficulty is trying to hinder their inner alpha male, especially when it comes to fighting.

Don’t get me wrong, I WILL (if my wife lets me) teach my kids how to fight when they get older, but right now they are at the age where they don’t know when not to hit.

So the way we get our boys not to hit (and mostly it was my wife who did this…and she says she is not a nerd) is by teaching them alternates to hitting. You can’t just tell them not to fight because especially man-ly boys like mine are going to fight. So my wife discovered something awesome. For us there are two huge hero’s of the boys, who actually usually do not touch their opponents when they fight.

The shooting invisible webs is a great technique and all, but their favorite now is… IRON MAN and his (depending on what book you are reading) plasma bolts, or repulsor beam.

So for right now, anytime they are going to fight, we have them shoot beams and webs. Problem solved, less blood and bruises, I just hope they don’t get bullied anytime soon or else I might get called to school because my son got beat up, and is also really sad because his “Webs” didn’t work.

A CLOCK is a better parent then me???

I have never claimed to be “Father of the Year.”  I might have assumed that they were just waiting to give me all of the trophies at once, and I chuckle when I see someone wearing a “Father of the Year” shirt thinking…”Maybe once I die, you are.” But in all seriousness, I have never thought that I was the best parent, but never thought I would be out parented (I know parented isn’t a real word, but it should be) by a CLOCK!!!

You see this story actually starts back a long time ago, if you look back in the blog the way I am out parented (that really should be a word) is trying to get the boys to sleep in their own bed.  That is why I started the CSP posts (Child Sleeping Positions) They are almost 2 and a half yet they still sleep in our bed.  The way it has been going I already pictured this.

We have tried everything, punishment, reward, sleeping in their room, it doesn’t matter… Nothing works.  I already faced defeat and started of looking on the bright side by thinking stuff like “at least they won’t be able to sneak out as teenagers because I will feel them coming back into bed” (Wow this blog is kinda taking an uncomfortable twist, but stay with me, I am almost to the point.) So my wife went online looking for answers and came across a clock.  Like every decision, she wanted to make this decision together so she sent me the link at work for my approval.  What I saw was a “Flavor Flav” looking clock with reviews around it.

REALLY!!!! Changed your life??? How can a stupid clock change your life?  Then I look at the price… 60 dollars.  And that’s just the plain clock, you can order attachments and different face designs for more money.  Me being at work, didn’t have that much time, I trust my wife, so I told her go ahead and order it. (Worst case, I could use it as a prop and go as Flavor Flav for Halloween.)

So it got here Thursday night.  When the wife took it out of the box it looked really intimidating. The front looked like a regular clock, but the back… reminded me of a doomsday device.

It was so close to bedtime we decided to use it Friday.  Once we read the directions, my opinion of it working went even further to the “never gonna work theory” It was too simple.  This is how the system works.

When it’s time for them to sleep…the clock turns blue… when it’s time to wake up…the clock turns yellow and plays one verse of “happy and you know it”… THAT’S IT!!!!! (At least for the sleeping function) THAT’S WHAT I JUST PAYED 60 DOLLARS FOR… NEVER GONNA WORK!!!  If your child wakes up early and comes to sleep with you…you are supposed to say “What color is the clock…It’s blue… You have to go back to bed until its yellow”  HAHAHAHAH REALLY!!!! THAT IS NOT GOING TO WORK!!!!

I was actually getting excited to try this because it was going to fail so bad… and then I would get to call back the company and yell at them for being idiots. 

Friday night, 7pm, tucked the boys into bed, it took everything I had not to laugh when I heard my wife tell them “Now you can’t wake up until its yellow”  HAHAHAHAH OK!!!!

(Full disclosure, I am telling the rest of the story on Brandis only, I don’t take Greyson into consideration since he is scared of the clock and if he sees it he will cry. Plus Brandis was the worst offender before we got the clock.)

So there I was… Friday night, couldn’t sleep because I was thinking what avenue I was going to use to approach customer service (start out yelling, sarcasm, act like a victim of their scam to get a refund) and that’s when I noticed…hmmmm it’s after 9…why haven’t I seen or heard Brandis? Hmmm… he must be tired, there is no way it worked…or did it, Now I couldn’t sleep because any little noise I heard I prepared to jump on the bed with a party hat, wake up the wife, and do my “I told you so dance.” All of a sudden around midnight, the usual “party started” lots of screams of “Dad!!! DADDY!!! DAD!!!” a little munchkin dressed as a crying Captain American stepped inches from the bed in which the wife woke up and said “The clock is blue, you have to go to bed until the clock is yellow.” He then turned around, ran to his bed…this happened like 2 more times, the last time was around 2 ish AND THAT IS THE LAST WE HEARD FROM HIM ALL NIGHT!!!!! 

I have no idea how it worked…I really thought I was being punked…So Saturday came around, bedtime…. No crying, around midnight, came in….. the wife said the magic words…then POOF!!! Never saw him the rest of the night.  At 530am Greyson cried, so my wife went to their room and that’s when I also came in to see Brandis…AWAKE!!! NOT CRYING!!! Just watching the clock.  When asked what he was doing… “Clock Blue…Sleep” he was actually just waiting for the clock to tell him he could wake up.  If that’s not proof enough…Last night, a little crying before midnight, and that was all. 

This makes me ask…Is a clock a better parent then I am??? And if the clock can “make” him sleep what else can it “make” him do?

As long as he sleeps all night, I think I am ok with that.