Even though this is not my first post of the year… let me say Happy New Year. This is another “Holiday” that I don’t get. I know most people see it as a new beginning, a clean slate… I see it as…”Wow…am I really THAT bad.”
I know that I am a little confusing sometimes (at least that’s what my wife tells me, even though everything makes sense to me…and that makes me “Special”) so let me clarify.
Most “happy” people see it as “there is always room for improvement.” I see it as “I am fat, lazy, pathetic, week, and a bad at spelling and grammar” (If you didn’t notice that I spelled week instead of weak, then you too should admit your spelling and grammar short comings.)
So let’s take a look at my 4 resolutions (resolution is the fancy way of saying “ways to make you less pathetic.”)
1. QUIT SMOKING
Yes this is a big one. Especially when you are in the military because it seems like every time you quit, they give you a couple reasons to “not be a quitter” because you know, no one likes a quitter.
So there I was a few days into it (actually since “it” means quitting smoking I guess that should read “a few days NOT into it?” once again, bad grammar…maybe I will fix that next year.) and I start having the “CRAVING” for those who have not quit before (and no I am not recommending you start so you can quit so you know what I am talking about) It is almost like those old cartoons when the two people stranded on a island get so hungry, they start picturing each other as a big turkey leg and or other “Tasty” objects.
You see it and smell it everywhere… so there I am trying to just get home before I rob a gas station for a pack of cigarettes and a slim jim (yes I have the money to pay for it, but the “Craving” tells me they will taste better if they are acquired by way of mask and gun.) So I get to my car you know…a safe place…well a few minutes into the trip, I was stuck in traffic. I all of a sudden started smelling smoke. Started to freak out…then I realize, my vents are open and the cars next to me on both sides…AND the car in front of me has their window down smoking. Once the vents are closed, I start listening to the radio and not joking…in 5 minutes on 6 different radio stations, I counted 12 “Quit smoking” ads…yeah…the thing about that…they almost all start with the sound of someone smoking…you know… the sound I want to be making at that time…so somehow survive, get to my housing community, roll down the window to show I.D. and the guard on break is smoking behind the gate. No problem with that, no one could smell it…UNLESS you ARE LIKE ME!!!! AND JUST QUIT!!!!! AND WANT TO Just stand there and SNIFF this random MAN…aaahahaaaaaaa. But then I get home…all is ok…until I turn on the TV… and see this commercial…
2. Quit Caffeine
So usually quiting smoking would be good enough for any one else…not me…not this “Pathetic Person”… I need to be a STRONG MAN!!!! No need for a crutch…why not also QUIT CAFFEINE!!!!
Sounds easy right… ummm…RIGHT????
Funny thing… lets do a quick list of what usually has caffeine in it…..EVERYTHING!!!!!!!
Stuff you don’t realize that has caffeine… Almost all Pop, coffee, TEA, CHOCOLATE!!!!! Oh…and most over the counter medication.
So this is going to be tough as it is…except for me, I have a Mountain Dew habit. Something about that very unnatural yellow colored liquid just makes me happy.
This one is actually harder for me than quitting smoking…to prove to you how much I want a Mountain Dew… 4 days into “No caffeine” I see this on the news…
The sad part, this makes me want a Mountain Dew even more.
3. Work Out more
This is one of those…WHY NOT’s…quit smoking, no caffeine, might as well drop some pounds too.
Not a bad idea, most people would get a gym membership, or a trainer, or a friend to workout with… NOT ME!!!!
I…got a video game. Yup!!! The “ultimate fighter personal trainer” Nothing like losing weight by using the machine that helped me put the weight on to begin with.
Usually would be a great solution…unless you just recently cut caffeine out of your life and quit smoking…if that’s the case…you start realizing that the “video game” starts to get a little “Lippy” with you.
So I put the game in, as I am trying to read the manual, a girls voice comes on and says “congratulations on your choice to start a healthier life.” Well thank you, pretty sounding girl…still reading…voice comes back on “you have lots of options, choose the best for you and get started with your healthier life.” Well thank you for being helpful, but I am trying to READ and find the best for me…then the voice again…”If you were a REAL ultimate fighter, you would have picked your option by now.” ….SNAP….REALLY!!!! IF I was a REAL ultimate fighter…I wouldn’t need your stupid game, and you wouldn’t have a JOB!!!!! Yes at this point I am YELLING at a computer image of a person on a video game like it’s a real person that I am having a real fight with. It didn’t seem that crazy at the time because after I said that I get…”just pick already.”
So I just shut up, and picked…that’s when my “Trainer” started to pick up where she left off and first started to piss me off by not counting all my repitions (NOTE: I know it’s hard to tell, but I am still talking about a video game trainer…not a real person) well as I am already pissed off, I look up at the screen and saw something that the programmer must have put in the game just to piss ME off… not anyone else, just me. It seems the “trainer” when you go to slow, stands up and twirls his finger giving you the international “hurry up” sign. At this point…SNAP… (Actually yelled at the video game)
Needless to say…he did.
4. Be a good man
Just like the blog say’s, I actually decided to make it happen…Yeah as you can tell by my last 3 resolutions…I broke this one day one…But there is always next year.
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