Child Sleeping Position: The Field Sobriety Test

So it’s been a while since my last “Child Sleeping Position” post, and after last night’s not so “Silent night” (get it a “Christmas reference” I am SO in the holiday spirit) it’s time for my fourth “Child Sleeping Position” post.  For you that are new to the blog go to my old post “Child Sleeping Position:  The upside-down Pirate” for the background info on this post series.  In short, I have noticed all these wonderful positions my children assume when they are sleeping in the “Big Bed” so without further ado….I present to you… Last night’s”The Field Sobriety Test”….

So it started out like any field sobriety test you have seen on TV… arms straight out, then touching his nose… Only my child who likes the challenge decided to also touch my nose, then his nose…The whole time eyes closed sound asleep. 

He then flipped sideways and “walked the straight line” only my spine was the line instead of a line on the pavement. 

He then finished off this wonderful session with loud “sleep babble” which sounded like him reciting the ABC’s backwards (later realized that he was yelling “MY PILLOW” since he wanted the Pillow to himself.)

POSITIVE TO THIS POSITION….

Since it’s the holiday season, Daddy has some special “Holiday Juice” in the refrigerator (I call it Holiday Juice,,, you call it Mai Tai’s … TOW-May-Tow, TAh-MA-Toe) At least since he passed his test in his sleep I know he didn’t get into “Daddy’s Juice.”

The true meaning of Christmas “Operation Neighborhood Light War”

I have always been a Halloween man…Never really understood the hype of Christmas, but really liked a holiday where you dress up, scare people, and get free candy from strangers.  But when you have kids, different holidays have a little more meaning.

This year with the boys being two…Christmas is a big deal.  They love lights, Santa, and Frosty (at least I am pretty sure they like frosty since in less than 3 weeks we have watched the cartoon about 500 times.)

Me being the “think ahead” instinctive man that I am, I knew that this would happen, so I waited until after Christmas last year to get a bunch of Christmas lights on sale.

Since I didn’t have outside decorations growing up, and have never cared, I thought the 200 ft of  lights I got for like 25 dollars and a light up snowman  I got last year would be enough… boy was I wrong.

My false since of “awesome” decorations was also helped by the fact that I had the day before Thanksgiving off so that is when I decorated, that evening when I looked upon the splendor of festiveness I called my house, I was truly in awe (since no one else had anything up)

I have conquered Christmas on my first attempt… it was a lot easier than I thought… Until later that weekend when I looked outside and saw….

Wow…blinking lights, dangling lights, chasing lights OH MY!!!

MAN THINKING…”In less than 48hours, I officially ruined Christmas for my family…or did I…it’s still November…It’s the weekend, Time to go shopping”

My original idea of buying a few decorations after Christmas every year went out the window…For I would be the “King of Christmas” THIS year.

Trying to still save money I decided to go to “Price busters” yes I only spent 20 dollars, but all I got is two solar light Santa heads that you can’t tell when the light comes on…. And a 4 foot solar Santa that doesn’t even work even though I changed the batteries twice.

Having failed again…I was going to let it go…until one night (since we currently live in Hawaii the window is open almost all the time to let the cool breeze flow through the house) I heard the neighbors walking outside and the husband said to his wife “we need more lights.”

AAAAAAHHH HAAA!!!!  It was a competition, I wasn’t Paranoid, they feel threatened by my  “Yuletide” (Am I saying that right…I’m new at this Christmas spirit stuff)  I can still be king…so the next day…

So after going to three different stores, and spending more than 5 times my original budget last year my house was ready for the competition…

I DID IT!!! Waited a few days…no activity from the neighbor…One week into December…I won.

But what did I win…NOTHING.

On my way home from work last week I drove the long way around the block… and I saw a house seven houses away,,, so extravagant that not only could you see it from space… It has several different “Scenes” playing out in separate areas in there yard, then the next house over has snow in the yard for their mechanical deer’s to stand on “SNOW!!!!! THIS IS HAWAII AND HE HAS SNOW!!!!!”  Another house had a Santa train on the roof, another had 3 inflatable’s…and so on and so on.

Now it’s the week before Christmas I am probably the 8^th best house on the block.  Me being in the “Christmas spirit” I figured I can’t win this year but I am half tempted to leave my mark.  Since my Christmas is now ruined…I want to write a message to the neighbor kids in lights.

After all of this…I can’t wait until next year…it is so ON!!!!

Merry Christmas.

Can’t I just photoshop my kids memories

So I know what you are thinking, you went months without a post, post once, then wait a few weeks. 

Let me start by saying I am sorry (I know the “Man” code tells me never to apologize but I will make the exception just for you…my few readers.)

I was on vacation… Unlike most people I write my best posts when I have no time to write them down.  So usually the best way for me to do a post is write it during my lunch break at work, and draw it at the end of the work day. So as you can tell…vacation is over.

So I took the family to the new Disney hotel here in Hawaii.  It was INCREDIBLE.  Incredibly fun, Incredibly relaxing, and INCREDIBLY EXPENSIVE. (Note…a lot cheaper for me since they give a 25% off military discount but only if you reserve over the phone and ask for it.)

While on vacation I took a lot of pictures, 1. To show them to family and friends since we always live far away from them…and 2. For memories.

This made me think (for you women out there that always wanted to know what it’s like in a MAN’s head…here is a taste) …we need all of these photos since the boys are too young to remember… all they will have from this trip is the pictures….if this is true….why can’t I just photoshop some “memories” and save some money?

The simple answer why not….because I am a man and I don’t know when “enough is enough.”

If I did it once…

Then I would have to show them that I wasn’t just a cool dad that day, so I would have to be cool for their birthday too…

And to make sure they had “MAN-LY” memories…

So I came to the conclusion, that unless I want my boys to be the “special” kids growing up that not only swear that they were there when “President Captain America” was sworn into office and have a picture to prove it…I should probably just “Man” up…and pay for their memories like everyone else.

The Character I played in a Musical is "Man-lier" than me

So it has been a while since my last post, I couldn’t find the time between work, family, and… a musical.  Now I know what you are thinking… How is being in a musical “Manly” (especially when it is “The Rocky Horror Show.) The answer…it isn’t….unless you are the character I played… EDDIE!!!

For you that are trying to keep your man card and pretending you don’t know who that is, it is the character played by Meatloaf in the movie.

After a few rehearsals my world crashed down around me when I realized “The Character I played in a Musical is Man-lier than me.”

Now I know you are thinking that there is no way anyone real or make-believe can be Man-lier than me but I will tell you to sit down, get a nice warm beverage, and cancel your plans for the rest of the day because the truth is a little nerve racking.

CLOTHING

As you can see from the picture, EDDIE looks fierce (not Tyra Banks “Fierce” but the I will build you a village just to burn it down type of “Fierce”) with a leather jacket, black boots, ripped jeans, and a skull cap showing just a little brain. I…when not in uniform, usually rock an ironic T-shirt, Pajama pants, and my newly acquired trucker hat with reindeer antlers (I only wear the hat because it’s getting close to Christmas…however I am contemplating starting a trend and wearing horrible holiday gear in the summer months only.)

TRANSPORTATION

So Eddie is known for being a bad boy biker, I on the other hand, drive a PRIUS… usually this is when I defend my car by saying “Yeah, but it gets good mileage”… however depending on the type of bike (we don’t know what kind it is because like the picture says I won’t even attempt to draw a motorcycle) it probably beats the Prius in that category too.

LIFESTYLE

Yeah so Eddie stays up all night taking drugs, chasing women, and chasing the drugs with beer.  I usually try to start winding down no later than 8 o’clock, chasing little boys to bed, and chasing my SLEEPY PILL with apple juice and a episode of Glee.

INJURIES

And last but by not least…by the time you see Eddie appear on stage he is dripping blood, brain hanging out, and still able to bring the house down with the song “Hot Patootie.” ME…..TRUE STORY…after the last show, we were tearing the set down and I happened to grab a piece of wood that had a nail sticking out.  I got a cut probably less than an inch long, I immediately got a band aid, but as I was cleaning the “WOUND” I almost started crying from the alcohol wipes I was using to keep my “Boo Boo” from getting infected.

So the moral to the story…Eddie might be more of a Man, but the musical is over, he is dead (In fact since he dies so fast, I also was in the chorus the rest of the time and ended up dying twice every show) and I am the last man standing… so I WIN.

 

How to balance Man-liness

So I get the question everyday…How are you so Man-ly??? Well O.K….I don’t get that question EVERY day…O.K. so I have never been asked it…but if I was…I think the answer would be “It’s all about balance.”  I think the key to being a “Good Man” (the name of the blog right???) Is not just being overtly manly…you have to have another side to your Man-liness.

I think I have a good balance…one part “Man’s Man” one part “Not so Man-ly” and sprinkle in a little geek.

Here are some real events that happened in my life within the past 2 weeks.

While I was auditioning for “Rocky Horror Picture Show,” my “Man-dar” (I should trade mark that phrase) somehow found a T.V. within a few feet of the music room that was showing a football game.

When playing with my son’s…we took turns in between dancing, and fighting.

After waiting all Sunday to find out who won the “Glee Project”and who will be on the next season of Glee …I then watched the season premier of “Top Shot” a show where they have to shoot different weapons in different scenarios.

And last but by FAR not least…as I took a road trip this weekend, the boys were asleep and I was singing along to the radio and I followed up “Let the bodies hit the floor” with ABBA’s “Fernando.”

So the moral to the story,,,and the answer to the question no one asks me (except in my head)…MODERATION…and by the way…I still don’t know if I look good in fish nets…and I plan to never know.

Child Sleeping Position: The Telepathic Pleader

So time for my Third “Child Sleeping Position” post.  For you that are new to the blog go to my old post “Child Sleeping Position:  The upside-down Pirate” for the background info on this post series.  In short, I have noticed all these wonderful positions my children assume when they are sleeping in the “Big Bed” so without further ado….I present to you…”The Telepathic Pleader”….

This is the wonderful position in which you find yourself barely balancing on the edge of the bed because your “Bed Buddy” keeps scooting over.  I know most Non-parents are thinking why don’t you just move him….NOOOO No NO NO.  You see by the time he got to this position you have spent 45 minutes to an hour of getting him to finally settle down, any movements will wake him up and start the process all over again.  Since you can’t make a sound, or a movement, you pray that maybe today you got those superpowers you have been wishing for your whole life and try to use “Mind Bullets” to make him move.

POSITIVE TO THIS POSITION….

Since working late hours and being a father of twin toddlers, you don’t get to the gym as much as you would like to.  This position gives you a wonderful “Core” workout.

Fun Trip to the Doctor

Whenever you have children you have to plan on “Fun trips to the Doctor.” I think the scientific mathematical equation is for every child you have, take the number of trips you usually take and multiply that by 27 (don’t ask me why 27, I did not make the equation)

So as the hectic work week is finishing up on an equally hectic Friday,  I get a text message from my wife saying that one of the boys needs to see the doctor.  Luckily since it’s hard for me to break from work, the Military Hospital offers “Evening Care” at night.  So I finish up work, drive home, change, and drive to the hospital.  I got there about half an hour early and they still took us right away, so far a wonderful experience…. Then I go with a “Butter Bar” Lieutenant that looks like he just graduated basic training and probably also just graduated high school, to get vitals checked.

First the weight, well the scale for some reason was not set to pounds, and he couldn’t figure out how to change it so he asked me “Ummmm…How many pounds is 11K?”

If that wasn’t bad enough, he then tried to take the temperature of an almost two year old with an oral thermometer.  After a very funny unsuccessful attempt he told me his temp was fine (It was averaging 102 the past 3 days) and then he had the nerve to ask…

Luckily another nurse saw this and properly took his temperature (no not the way you are thinking you SICKO…she took it in his armpit) and we found out that it was in fact not fine…but 102.  I hoped this nurse would stay but atlas she had to leave and it was back to the incompetent hands of Lieutenant Doogie Howser…

This might not seem like a stupid question at first, but when you think about it...my son isn't even two and is just starting to use two word answers, so for him to tell me his pain level let alone be able to reason what it would be is totally out of question. After this fun question and answer period,,, HE….(remember he is not a doctor, he is just getting vitals) told me that he is almost 100% sure it is foot and mouth disease.  Remember he hasn’t run any real tests, and just moments ago asked me if he was faking, but now I am supposed to trust him… Luckily the REAL doctor showed up.  After a REAL examination, this doctor (who was one of the better doctors I have ever seen.) Tells me the REAL diagnosis, but instead of giving it to me straight, she tries out her new stand up routine.

Obviously she thought she was funny, and so did my son who laughed when she started laughing. Grrrr. After she wrote down the prescription, she said the one thing that will make her my children’s favorite doctor (unfortunately she is not their regular doctor.)

I had to double check, and yes she WAS being serious.  With all that said, the weekend was o.k. and I am back to work on a Monday so unfortunately no Ice Cream for me :(

Tea is my Kryptonite

As much as it hurts for most men to admit it, even the Strongest, Bravest, Manly-est, of men have a weakness.  Achilles had his heel, Superman has Kryptonite, and President Bush had the trouble with his pronunciation of the word “Nuclear.” 

This weekend I found out that my weak spot is the warm beverage that most people call Tea. Now I am not saying that I am addicted to it, or I crave it.  Tea physically makes me weak.  (NERD ALERT, NERD ALERT, some geeky knowledge is about to be released) For you non-comic book geeks, everyone thinks Kryptonite makes Superman weak…that is not the case. Only green kryptonite makes him weak, depending on what Superman Mythology you follow the other colors affect him differently (example: Red makes him kinda evil) Just like Superman, not all tea makes me weak, only “Relaxing Tea” (No this is not a drug, I just don’t know what the actual name is so I call it “Relaxing Tea.”) "Relaxing Tea" turns me back into my “High School Self” (5’1, 75lbs of scrawny white guy.)

You are probably just like my wife, and you don’t know how this is possible, so let me explain.  On a regular basis, my white blood cells are just like me.  They have endured an 11 year military service, deployment, Drill Sergeant Time, and so on.  On a regular basis, my white blood cells are like this….

Now this weekend my lovely wife, decided since I was stressing out (which is a usual state for me even on the weekend) that she would make me a glass of “Relaxing Tea.” After a few minutes it was doing what it is supposed to do and I felt a wave of relaxation rush over my body…However, a few minutes later…The cold I have been fighting all week, noticed that this was the perfect time to attack.  In my mind…This is why… 

Needless to say…I will not have any more tea any time soon…in fact I now will have to purposely lose some sleep, and eat a lot of Pizza rolls to get my “Rage Filled White Blood Cells” back up to fighting shape.

Sesame Street gave my kids Super Powers

As a nerdy kid (who we established earlier grew into a nerdy MANLY man) like most kids I wanted super powers.  After growing up it kinda ticks me off that I now realize that I could have had them by just watching Sesame Street. 

When you first have a kid, you realize the magical powers of “The Street” (that’s the cool name I have for the show.  It makes non parents think that I know about a cool new show that they don’t know about when I say “hey going home to watch “The Street.”) Everyone knows that it helps with counting and stuff like that…but if you watch your kids even closer, you will see that The Street is some kind of special government testing program that is mutating are children…here are some of the powers.

SUPER  VISION

A couple of weeks ago we were at the store, all of a sudden one of the boys got a huge smile and screamed “ELMO!!!!”  I looked around the isle to see what he was looking at and thought he was just hallucinating or going through “Street Withdrawals” (which is not one of the powers, it just is the constant craving for the drug known as “The Street.”) All of a sudden, my wife noticed that on the other end of the next isle, there was a little gift bag with a picture of Elmo on it.  I had to take a few steps towards it and really look to see it.

SUPER HEARING

Along with vision comes hearing. Most children when they get over a year old, thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world to do the opposite of what you want them to do.  Usually this really takes shape if you need to change their diaper.  When I say “Come here, let me change your diaper” he usually takes off straight down the hallway laughing.  No matter what you say he will not come back…however…even with the door almost closed, and the TV volume really low…If you put on the Sesame Street theme song, or Elmo’s world theme song…he will open the door, and run as fast as he could to the living room.

SUPER PAIN TOLERANCE

Once he gets to the living room, the question is how do you get him to stop fidgeting…put on the street. As long as they are watching, you can do anything to them…In fact that is how I cut one of their hair the last time I tried.  Along with that, if they are crying…put it on, and the tears stop.

SUPER VOCAB

And last but not least…with all the good comes the bad.  We all know that you can learn stuff from the street, but sometimes… you don’t want them too.  There is a episode called “Mine-itis” about teaching kids to share. Having twins, this is a very important subject…however…for little kids that only know a few words, all they see is their favorite characters, grabbing stuff, and screaming “MINE!!!” so after almost 2 years of successfully NOT teaching them that word, all they can say now is “MINE, MINE, MINE.” Grrrrrrrrr.

NFL: The only time a Man should worry about his clothing and accessories

Like most of my posts, this is a lesson.  But this time the lesson is not to new parents or single people…This one is to the Wives and Girlfriends out there.

It might be my Military lifestyle, or the fact that I was a basic training “Drill Sergeant” for two years, but I like to consider myself as a “Manly Man.” Yes I know this is the same person that has cookie monster PJ’s and an extensive knowledge of musicals and comic books, but you know…an extensive knowledge in a Manly way.

I don’t understand Men’s fashion, or why you need anything more than jeans, a t-shirt, and some comfortable pajama bottoms. I will never have the need to wear jewelry (except for my wedding ring) or a “Man Purse” (No the diaper bag doesn’t count.)  In my mind there is only a few times to worry about fashion.  Funerals and Weddings (probably wear a tie) Work (Wear my uniform) and most important…FOOTBALL SEASON.

Most females like my wife, do not understand the importance of wearing Football Jerseys the day of a game. Yes I know I am not on the team (in fact I haven’t played football since middle school), Yes I know that I am watching the game by myself at the house (I am not alone if I force the boys to suit up and watch with me)  but it’s the whole “TEAM” pride of “Your” Team.  Wearing a jersey makes you feel like you are more than just a spectator.  Now I know with that logic I am practically saying “Go get a bad spray tan to watch Jersey Shore and you will be more than a spectator.” NOOOO this is FOOTBALL it is different.

So with the new season starting, I have to get my wardrobe ready.  Most years it’s ok to have the same Jersey, but this year the jersey I wore last year, the player got traded. The Jerseys my boys have…the players got traded, so we all need new jerseys. Here is the lesson “WIVES PAY ATTENTION…I am about to lose you with “MAN” logic”

If the player was a superstar, and RETIRES….then it is ok to wear the jersey (just paying homage to a great.)  However…if the player leaves the team and is still playing for another team….That is a slap in the face (or in less manly terms a fashion NO NO.) For the true fans, this is how we tell fans, from the people trying to be cool. If we see a guy wearing a Kevin Kolb Eagles Jersey even though he now plays for Arizona, we know to not even try to talk football with him.

Now that you know the lesson, a little background, and enough knowledge to be dangerous…DON’T USE THIS AGAINST YOUR HUSBAND! OR BOYFRIEND!!!

My wife (who I love even more today than the day we got married if that’s possible) loves to poke me (the bear) with a stick every now and then. 

Over the years she has found it difficult to get a rise out of me…until she realized my love of not just football…but the Seattle Seahawks (I know the Seahawks usually suck but as a good fan I always say “But this is their year.”)

So when the boys were born she approached me with the idea of not buying them any “team” stuff but if we get it from our family, it’s ok. OOOOH did she get me with this (did you see how that was worded…her wheels are always turning.)

So last year, the day of the first pre-season game,( I haven’t told any of my family about the arrangement,) I am at work and she sends me this text message...

For everyone that thinks that was “Nice” of her…1. She knows that I hate the patriots ( the first rule of being a true football team fan is hate every team that is better than your team…for the Seahawks…that’s almost everybody.) And 2. She is not a Patriots fan…I know this because of the simple “Fan” test… If someone says they are a fan ask them to name 3 people on the team…If they can’t (and saying "Ummm there is Gizelles husband Tom...and those two guys that catch the ball" does not count) they are not a true fan…if you ask them to name 3, and they name more than 12...they are worthy to talk football with.

So the moral of the lesson…if you can’t use this knowledge for good, and you are going to use this knowledge to torture your husband or boyfriend, just forget everything you just read.

Child Sleeping Position: The Vibrating H

So time for my second “Child Sleeping Position” post.  For you that are new to the blog, go to my old post “Child Sleeping Position:  The upside-down Pirate” for the background info on this post series.  In short, I have noticed all these wonderful positions my children assume when they are sleeping in the “Big Bed” so without further ado….I present to you…”The Vibrating H”….

This is how I came up with the name…Mommy and Daddy are the two posts, and the child is the cross hash that forms the “H”…I know that is the obvious part.

Since his head is resting peacefully on Mommy in this scenario, and evidently he is dreaming about running a marathon (later posts will show that this must be a recurring dream that my kids share) As his feet kick…I…become the “Vibrating” part of the H.

Like I said last time I love my children and want to show the positive along with the negative…

POSITIVE TO THIS POSITION….

Once he gets a good rhythm going to his feet (usually around the 5^th mile of his marathon dream) turn away from him allowing his feet to give you a nice little massage.

The evolution of poop

As some brilliant person once said “If it eats, it poops.” This is oh so true when it comes to your children.  I could do a post talking about the typical feces flinging stories, but I decided to go the “high route” (I know this is like the first time I have taken this route so bare with me.)

So just like my first post on this blog, I decided to tackle this topic as a lesson to those of you that don’t have children, and need to know what to expect.

STAGE 1

This is one that all parents should know going into this. I am the youngest in my family, I have 2 nieces, 2 nephews, and for some reason, no one thought to warn me that the first couple “poops” of a baby is like tar.  For all of you closet nerds out there like me, it reminds me of the symbiotic form of the villain “Venom” from Spiderman.  It is a pitch black, sticky blob that oozes everywhere.  

STAGE 2

So a few days later, everything should look normal (like I know what normal poop should look like.)

With your first child, you are trying to figure out a routine that works best for everyone (just think of the first one as a guinea pig) One thing you have to work out is bath time.  Now some people like to use the sink, some use a baby tub and some actually just get in the tub with them.  We tried all 3. 

It was the first time that we tried the me in the tub method with them, where we discovered this second stage. In the middle of the bath, my son started to smile, (smiling is a very good indicator of what just happened or what is happening when they are babies.) Next thing I know, a little “baby log” dropped to the bottom of the tub and like a little torpedo, made a path straight for my leg.  My wife (who was the first to see this) alerted me and ran out of the bathroom. 

I thought she was running out to get something to help me…nope, she came back with the video camera.  I would tell you to watch the video to hear me constantly asking for help, but you can’t hear my plea over her constant laughter.

STAGE 3

So as your kids get older, you get happier because they start to be able help out.  But before that, comes the time where they think they are helping, but aren’t.  Mostly I am talking about getting dressed.  The boys are almost 2 but they can’t get dressed on their own, what they can do…is take off the clothes that you struggled the past  15 minutes to get them on them.  In fact 15 minutes to get them on, means 15 seconds for them to take them off. I know what you are thinking…what does this have to do with poop…Patient young grasshopper… So with them now armed with the skill of “quick change” they quickly learn how to also take off their diaper.  Luckily for us, the culprit in question has already started potty training so he has learned to sound the code word “Poop” when he is about to, or already has.

So there I am, home after a long day of work, I walk into the house, and a naked kid comes running down the hallway like he is practicing his streaking skills. He stops a few feet in front of me, smiles and says “Poop” even though I wish that was the warning word, something told me that he already went, so I asked “Where did you poop” hoping that magically when I was at work he learned to speak in full sentences to say “Well father, I relieved myself over there.” No….the answer I got was an evil laugh and smile.  So still in uniform, I played the game “poop, poop, where is the poop.” After looking around the house, there it was behind the recliner in his brother’s room.

And last but not least…

STAGE 4

This happened last weekend (the same trip where I was asked if I was sure that my boys weren’t identical twins) so there I was on a nice daddy day.  I took them to Toys-R-Us. Since even though it’s a store mostly for kids, they haven’t thought of making carts for more than one kid, so I have one in the seat and one actually in the cart like I just picked him off the discount shelf and am about to get my very own life like child doll for a bargain price.  So as I am trying to make sure that extra stuff doesn’t end up in the basket, evidently one of them made “THE FACE.” For you that have never seen “The Face” just go to a mirror, try to think of something really hard, and stop breathing for 45 seconds, now look in the mirror, that is “The Face.” So as I am trying to get out of the store without any drama, he looks up and screams “POOOOOOOOP.”

Hopefully this gave you a little more insight, now that it is done, I can move off the high ground, and go back to what I am used to.

Child Sleeping Position: The Upside-down Pirate

For those of you that do not have children, you know about “potty training,” but you might not know about an equally daunting and important challenge called “bed training.” For those of you that are wildly imagining a process that involves a bed going through a basic training obstacle course with gun fire zipping over its head, and black eye paint applied to its camouflage sheets…you are wrong.
Bed training for the parents, is the art of reminding your children that we paid good money for their crib or bed, and we have a three bedroom house for a reason.

Bed training for the children, is the art to “Train” their parents how to share their bed.

Having twins, this is a little harder.  Because what most parents will tell you, unlike “potty training,” “bed training” is not a “once they know it, they are good” type of deal. It’s a… they are good, they are sick so you let them cuddle, you train again…they are good, you go on vacation and they have to sleep with you, you train again…they are good, they are sick again…and so on.

Times this by two if you have twins.  So with a constant “guest,” you start realizing a few things. One thing that I noticed is their different sleeping positions.  One night while I was wide awake because the “guest” wasn’t yet comfortable, I decided to name these positions.  Now that I have a blog (3^rd day and 3^rd post…doing good) I have decided to post some of them.  I will do one per post, that way if I can’t think of anything to post, I can use one off of my list (by the way the list has about 10 right now.)  So without further ado….I present to you…”THE UPSIDE-DOWN PIRATE”…

Some of you might not get the name (which I came up with at like 2am a couple of days ago) so here we go…

The child is the “upside-down.” I know that part is the easy part.

I…am the “pirate,” because… 1. With his foot in my eye, it’s like an eye-patch on a pirate. And 2. Every time he kicks me, for some reason instead of saying aaaahhh, it almost comes out Aaaaaarrrrg.  

NOTE: As a parent you are supposed to teach your kids how to have a positive attitude so I will always make a positive comment after every “Position Post”

POSSITIVE TO THIS POSITION…

With my eye completely darkened by his foot…I only need to use half of my sleeping mask instead of all of it.

Thank the football Gods for the NFL season

Yesterday was a good day, not only did I start this blog, but the news came that the NFL lockout is now over, which means there will be a full season.  This is very important because without my weekly boost of “Man-liness” I started wondering what else I would do with my weekends.

I compiled a list of actual things I did during the lockout. (NOTE: If you are a MAN some of these may be really scary, however football is back so you don’t have to worry anymore.)

I took the family to  “Sesame Street live”…

I watched an episode of Oprah with my wife…

I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond…Twice…

And as a final sports fix….gasp….I watched Women’s Soccer…

Luckily they signed a 10 year deal so I won’t have to go through this again anytime soon.

A lesson on twins

So I will start my first post as a lesson.

 I don’t necessarily blame everybody for not totally understanding the concept of twins, but if you have them you get the same DUMB questions and comments over and over. 

This weekend I took the boys out for a Daddy Day.  Husbands, this is a great way to give your spouse some alone time, and this way you get total control on where you go and where you eat.

 At the restaurant I was asked by the waitress “Are they twins?” “Yes,” I answered knowing that this will lead to those DUMB questions and comments I mentioned earlier.  “Are they identical?” she asked. “No!” I answered trying not to yell and scream.  You see my boys at least to me, look very different.  The big difference is one is blond and the other has dark hair. There are many other differences to them, but that is a hard one to miss. So thinking I was done with the questions I felt like I had to answer or she would not take us to our table…came the question that still stuns me to this day. “Are you sure they are not identical?”

Ummmm…how do you answer that? I think as the father I would be the subject matter expert if my kids were identical or not…but I guess my credentials should be questioned for some reason. 

So here comes the lesson in hopes that you will never be that waitress.

Paternal (identical) twins,  develop from 1 egg and are identical

Fraternal (not identical) twins, each get their own egg and sperm so they will not be identical. They might look a little bit alike but not any more than a regular sibling would.

Now here is another misconception…just because they are not identical…does not mean that one is a boy and one is a girl.

As a proud father with two strong and healthy boys, I was constantly disappointed by the assumption that one of my boys was a girl (not the same one, it differed every time.)  You parents out there that have dealt with the wrong gender guessing will understand my pain.  There is no way to avoid these want to be “psychic baby gender guessers.” I say NO WAY because I tried them all.  I tried dressing them in blue, having them carry a football with them, and once saying the word “Boys” every three words, and I still got this…

So the moral to this lesson…if you are going to be a parent, get ready for stupid questions.  Instead of getting mad…save it, and start a blog.