The evolution of poop

As some brilliant person once said “If it eats, it poops.” This is oh so true when it comes to your children.  I could do a post talking about the typical feces flinging stories, but I decided to go the “high route” (I know this is like the first time I have taken this route so bare with me.)

So just like my first post on this blog, I decided to tackle this topic as a lesson to those of you that don’t have children, and need to know what to expect.

STAGE 1

This is one that all parents should know going into this. I am the youngest in my family, I have 2 nieces, 2 nephews, and for some reason, no one thought to warn me that the first couple “poops” of a baby is like tar.  For all of you closet nerds out there like me, it reminds me of the symbiotic form of the villain “Venom” from Spiderman.  It is a pitch black, sticky blob that oozes everywhere.  

STAGE 2

So a few days later, everything should look normal (like I know what normal poop should look like.)

With your first child, you are trying to figure out a routine that works best for everyone (just think of the first one as a guinea pig) One thing you have to work out is bath time.  Now some people like to use the sink, some use a baby tub and some actually just get in the tub with them.  We tried all 3. 

It was the first time that we tried the me in the tub method with them, where we discovered this second stage. In the middle of the bath, my son started to smile, (smiling is a very good indicator of what just happened or what is happening when they are babies.) Next thing I know, a little “baby log” dropped to the bottom of the tub and like a little torpedo, made a path straight for my leg.  My wife (who was the first to see this) alerted me and ran out of the bathroom. 

I thought she was running out to get something to help me…nope, she came back with the video camera.  I would tell you to watch the video to hear me constantly asking for help, but you can’t hear my plea over her constant laughter.

STAGE 3

So as your kids get older, you get happier because they start to be able help out.  But before that, comes the time where they think they are helping, but aren’t.  Mostly I am talking about getting dressed.  The boys are almost 2 but they can’t get dressed on their own, what they can do…is take off the clothes that you struggled the past  15 minutes to get them on them.  In fact 15 minutes to get them on, means 15 seconds for them to take them off. I know what you are thinking…what does this have to do with poop…Patient young grasshopper… So with them now armed with the skill of “quick change” they quickly learn how to also take off their diaper.  Luckily for us, the culprit in question has already started potty training so he has learned to sound the code word “Poop” when he is about to, or already has.

So there I am, home after a long day of work, I walk into the house, and a naked kid comes running down the hallway like he is practicing his streaking skills. He stops a few feet in front of me, smiles and says “Poop” even though I wish that was the warning word, something told me that he already went, so I asked “Where did you poop” hoping that magically when I was at work he learned to speak in full sentences to say “Well father, I relieved myself over there.” No….the answer I got was an evil laugh and smile.  So still in uniform, I played the game “poop, poop, where is the poop.” After looking around the house, there it was behind the recliner in his brother’s room.

And last but not least…

STAGE 4

This happened last weekend (the same trip where I was asked if I was sure that my boys weren’t identical twins) so there I was on a nice daddy day.  I took them to Toys-R-Us. Since even though it’s a store mostly for kids, they haven’t thought of making carts for more than one kid, so I have one in the seat and one actually in the cart like I just picked him off the discount shelf and am about to get my very own life like child doll for a bargain price.  So as I am trying to make sure that extra stuff doesn’t end up in the basket, evidently one of them made “THE FACE.” For you that have never seen “The Face” just go to a mirror, try to think of something really hard, and stop breathing for 45 seconds, now look in the mirror, that is “The Face.” So as I am trying to get out of the store without any drama, he looks up and screams “POOOOOOOOP.”

Hopefully this gave you a little more insight, now that it is done, I can move off the high ground, and go back to what I am used to.