How to balance Man-liness

So I get the question everyday…How are you so Man-ly??? Well O.K….I don’t get that question EVERY day…O.K. so I have never been asked it…but if I was…I think the answer would be “It’s all about balance.”  I think the key to being a “Good Man” (the name of the blog right???) Is not just being overtly manly…you have to have another side to your Man-liness.

I think I have a good balance…one part “Man’s Man” one part “Not so Man-ly” and sprinkle in a little geek.

Here are some real events that happened in my life within the past 2 weeks.

While I was auditioning for “Rocky Horror Picture Show,” my “Man-dar” (I should trade mark that phrase) somehow found a T.V. within a few feet of the music room that was showing a football game.

When playing with my son’s…we took turns in between dancing, and fighting.

After waiting all Sunday to find out who won the “Glee Project”and who will be on the next season of Glee …I then watched the season premier of “Top Shot” a show where they have to shoot different weapons in different scenarios.

And last but by FAR not least…as I took a road trip this weekend, the boys were asleep and I was singing along to the radio and I followed up “Let the bodies hit the floor” with ABBA’s “Fernando.”

So the moral to the story,,,and the answer to the question no one asks me (except in my head)…MODERATION…and by the way…I still don’t know if I look good in fish nets…and I plan to never know.

Child Sleeping Position: The Telepathic Pleader

So time for my Third “Child Sleeping Position” post.  For you that are new to the blog go to my old post “Child Sleeping Position:  The upside-down Pirate” for the background info on this post series.  In short, I have noticed all these wonderful positions my children assume when they are sleeping in the “Big Bed” so without further ado….I present to you…”The Telepathic Pleader”….

This is the wonderful position in which you find yourself barely balancing on the edge of the bed because your “Bed Buddy” keeps scooting over.  I know most Non-parents are thinking why don’t you just move him….NOOOO No NO NO.  You see by the time he got to this position you have spent 45 minutes to an hour of getting him to finally settle down, any movements will wake him up and start the process all over again.  Since you can’t make a sound, or a movement, you pray that maybe today you got those superpowers you have been wishing for your whole life and try to use “Mind Bullets” to make him move.

POSITIVE TO THIS POSITION….

Since working late hours and being a father of twin toddlers, you don’t get to the gym as much as you would like to.  This position gives you a wonderful “Core” workout.

Fun Trip to the Doctor

Whenever you have children you have to plan on “Fun trips to the Doctor.” I think the scientific mathematical equation is for every child you have, take the number of trips you usually take and multiply that by 27 (don’t ask me why 27, I did not make the equation)

So as the hectic work week is finishing up on an equally hectic Friday,  I get a text message from my wife saying that one of the boys needs to see the doctor.  Luckily since it’s hard for me to break from work, the Military Hospital offers “Evening Care” at night.  So I finish up work, drive home, change, and drive to the hospital.  I got there about half an hour early and they still took us right away, so far a wonderful experience…. Then I go with a “Butter Bar” Lieutenant that looks like he just graduated basic training and probably also just graduated high school, to get vitals checked.

First the weight, well the scale for some reason was not set to pounds, and he couldn’t figure out how to change it so he asked me “Ummmm…How many pounds is 11K?”

If that wasn’t bad enough, he then tried to take the temperature of an almost two year old with an oral thermometer.  After a very funny unsuccessful attempt he told me his temp was fine (It was averaging 102 the past 3 days) and then he had the nerve to ask…

Luckily another nurse saw this and properly took his temperature (no not the way you are thinking you SICKO…she took it in his armpit) and we found out that it was in fact not fine…but 102.  I hoped this nurse would stay but atlas she had to leave and it was back to the incompetent hands of Lieutenant Doogie Howser…

This might not seem like a stupid question at first, but when you think about it...my son isn't even two and is just starting to use two word answers, so for him to tell me his pain level let alone be able to reason what it would be is totally out of question. After this fun question and answer period,,, HE….(remember he is not a doctor, he is just getting vitals) told me that he is almost 100% sure it is foot and mouth disease.  Remember he hasn’t run any real tests, and just moments ago asked me if he was faking, but now I am supposed to trust him… Luckily the REAL doctor showed up.  After a REAL examination, this doctor (who was one of the better doctors I have ever seen.) Tells me the REAL diagnosis, but instead of giving it to me straight, she tries out her new stand up routine.

Obviously she thought she was funny, and so did my son who laughed when she started laughing. Grrrr. After she wrote down the prescription, she said the one thing that will make her my children’s favorite doctor (unfortunately she is not their regular doctor.)

I had to double check, and yes she WAS being serious.  With all that said, the weekend was o.k. and I am back to work on a Monday so unfortunately no Ice Cream for me :(

Tea is my Kryptonite

As much as it hurts for most men to admit it, even the Strongest, Bravest, Manly-est, of men have a weakness.  Achilles had his heel, Superman has Kryptonite, and President Bush had the trouble with his pronunciation of the word “Nuclear.” 

This weekend I found out that my weak spot is the warm beverage that most people call Tea. Now I am not saying that I am addicted to it, or I crave it.  Tea physically makes me weak.  (NERD ALERT, NERD ALERT, some geeky knowledge is about to be released) For you non-comic book geeks, everyone thinks Kryptonite makes Superman weak…that is not the case. Only green kryptonite makes him weak, depending on what Superman Mythology you follow the other colors affect him differently (example: Red makes him kinda evil) Just like Superman, not all tea makes me weak, only “Relaxing Tea” (No this is not a drug, I just don’t know what the actual name is so I call it “Relaxing Tea.”) "Relaxing Tea" turns me back into my “High School Self” (5’1, 75lbs of scrawny white guy.)

You are probably just like my wife, and you don’t know how this is possible, so let me explain.  On a regular basis, my white blood cells are just like me.  They have endured an 11 year military service, deployment, Drill Sergeant Time, and so on.  On a regular basis, my white blood cells are like this….

Now this weekend my lovely wife, decided since I was stressing out (which is a usual state for me even on the weekend) that she would make me a glass of “Relaxing Tea.” After a few minutes it was doing what it is supposed to do and I felt a wave of relaxation rush over my body…However, a few minutes later…The cold I have been fighting all week, noticed that this was the perfect time to attack.  In my mind…This is why… 

Needless to say…I will not have any more tea any time soon…in fact I now will have to purposely lose some sleep, and eat a lot of Pizza rolls to get my “Rage Filled White Blood Cells” back up to fighting shape.

Sesame Street gave my kids Super Powers

As a nerdy kid (who we established earlier grew into a nerdy MANLY man) like most kids I wanted super powers.  After growing up it kinda ticks me off that I now realize that I could have had them by just watching Sesame Street. 

When you first have a kid, you realize the magical powers of “The Street” (that’s the cool name I have for the show.  It makes non parents think that I know about a cool new show that they don’t know about when I say “hey going home to watch “The Street.”) Everyone knows that it helps with counting and stuff like that…but if you watch your kids even closer, you will see that The Street is some kind of special government testing program that is mutating are children…here are some of the powers.

SUPER  VISION

A couple of weeks ago we were at the store, all of a sudden one of the boys got a huge smile and screamed “ELMO!!!!”  I looked around the isle to see what he was looking at and thought he was just hallucinating or going through “Street Withdrawals” (which is not one of the powers, it just is the constant craving for the drug known as “The Street.”) All of a sudden, my wife noticed that on the other end of the next isle, there was a little gift bag with a picture of Elmo on it.  I had to take a few steps towards it and really look to see it.

SUPER HEARING

Along with vision comes hearing. Most children when they get over a year old, thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world to do the opposite of what you want them to do.  Usually this really takes shape if you need to change their diaper.  When I say “Come here, let me change your diaper” he usually takes off straight down the hallway laughing.  No matter what you say he will not come back…however…even with the door almost closed, and the TV volume really low…If you put on the Sesame Street theme song, or Elmo’s world theme song…he will open the door, and run as fast as he could to the living room.

SUPER PAIN TOLERANCE

Once he gets to the living room, the question is how do you get him to stop fidgeting…put on the street. As long as they are watching, you can do anything to them…In fact that is how I cut one of their hair the last time I tried.  Along with that, if they are crying…put it on, and the tears stop.

SUPER VOCAB

And last but not least…with all the good comes the bad.  We all know that you can learn stuff from the street, but sometimes… you don’t want them too.  There is a episode called “Mine-itis” about teaching kids to share. Having twins, this is a very important subject…however…for little kids that only know a few words, all they see is their favorite characters, grabbing stuff, and screaming “MINE!!!” so after almost 2 years of successfully NOT teaching them that word, all they can say now is “MINE, MINE, MINE.” Grrrrrrrrr.

NFL: The only time a Man should worry about his clothing and accessories

Like most of my posts, this is a lesson.  But this time the lesson is not to new parents or single people…This one is to the Wives and Girlfriends out there.

It might be my Military lifestyle, or the fact that I was a basic training “Drill Sergeant” for two years, but I like to consider myself as a “Manly Man.” Yes I know this is the same person that has cookie monster PJ’s and an extensive knowledge of musicals and comic books, but you know…an extensive knowledge in a Manly way.

I don’t understand Men’s fashion, or why you need anything more than jeans, a t-shirt, and some comfortable pajama bottoms. I will never have the need to wear jewelry (except for my wedding ring) or a “Man Purse” (No the diaper bag doesn’t count.)  In my mind there is only a few times to worry about fashion.  Funerals and Weddings (probably wear a tie) Work (Wear my uniform) and most important…FOOTBALL SEASON.

Most females like my wife, do not understand the importance of wearing Football Jerseys the day of a game. Yes I know I am not on the team (in fact I haven’t played football since middle school), Yes I know that I am watching the game by myself at the house (I am not alone if I force the boys to suit up and watch with me)  but it’s the whole “TEAM” pride of “Your” Team.  Wearing a jersey makes you feel like you are more than just a spectator.  Now I know with that logic I am practically saying “Go get a bad spray tan to watch Jersey Shore and you will be more than a spectator.” NOOOO this is FOOTBALL it is different.

So with the new season starting, I have to get my wardrobe ready.  Most years it’s ok to have the same Jersey, but this year the jersey I wore last year, the player got traded. The Jerseys my boys have…the players got traded, so we all need new jerseys. Here is the lesson “WIVES PAY ATTENTION…I am about to lose you with “MAN” logic”

If the player was a superstar, and RETIRES….then it is ok to wear the jersey (just paying homage to a great.)  However…if the player leaves the team and is still playing for another team….That is a slap in the face (or in less manly terms a fashion NO NO.) For the true fans, this is how we tell fans, from the people trying to be cool. If we see a guy wearing a Kevin Kolb Eagles Jersey even though he now plays for Arizona, we know to not even try to talk football with him.

Now that you know the lesson, a little background, and enough knowledge to be dangerous…DON’T USE THIS AGAINST YOUR HUSBAND! OR BOYFRIEND!!!

My wife (who I love even more today than the day we got married if that’s possible) loves to poke me (the bear) with a stick every now and then. 

Over the years she has found it difficult to get a rise out of me…until she realized my love of not just football…but the Seattle Seahawks (I know the Seahawks usually suck but as a good fan I always say “But this is their year.”)

So when the boys were born she approached me with the idea of not buying them any “team” stuff but if we get it from our family, it’s ok. OOOOH did she get me with this (did you see how that was worded…her wheels are always turning.)

So last year, the day of the first pre-season game,( I haven’t told any of my family about the arrangement,) I am at work and she sends me this text message...

For everyone that thinks that was “Nice” of her…1. She knows that I hate the patriots ( the first rule of being a true football team fan is hate every team that is better than your team…for the Seahawks…that’s almost everybody.) And 2. She is not a Patriots fan…I know this because of the simple “Fan” test… If someone says they are a fan ask them to name 3 people on the team…If they can’t (and saying "Ummm there is Gizelles husband Tom...and those two guys that catch the ball" does not count) they are not a true fan…if you ask them to name 3, and they name more than 12...they are worthy to talk football with.

So the moral of the lesson…if you can’t use this knowledge for good, and you are going to use this knowledge to torture your husband or boyfriend, just forget everything you just read.

Child Sleeping Position: The Vibrating H

So time for my second “Child Sleeping Position” post.  For you that are new to the blog, go to my old post “Child Sleeping Position:  The upside-down Pirate” for the background info on this post series.  In short, I have noticed all these wonderful positions my children assume when they are sleeping in the “Big Bed” so without further ado….I present to you…”The Vibrating H”….

This is how I came up with the name…Mommy and Daddy are the two posts, and the child is the cross hash that forms the “H”…I know that is the obvious part.

Since his head is resting peacefully on Mommy in this scenario, and evidently he is dreaming about running a marathon (later posts will show that this must be a recurring dream that my kids share) As his feet kick…I…become the “Vibrating” part of the H.

Like I said last time I love my children and want to show the positive along with the negative…

POSITIVE TO THIS POSITION….

Once he gets a good rhythm going to his feet (usually around the 5^th mile of his marathon dream) turn away from him allowing his feet to give you a nice little massage.

The evolution of poop

As some brilliant person once said “If it eats, it poops.” This is oh so true when it comes to your children.  I could do a post talking about the typical feces flinging stories, but I decided to go the “high route” (I know this is like the first time I have taken this route so bare with me.)

So just like my first post on this blog, I decided to tackle this topic as a lesson to those of you that don’t have children, and need to know what to expect.

STAGE 1

This is one that all parents should know going into this. I am the youngest in my family, I have 2 nieces, 2 nephews, and for some reason, no one thought to warn me that the first couple “poops” of a baby is like tar.  For all of you closet nerds out there like me, it reminds me of the symbiotic form of the villain “Venom” from Spiderman.  It is a pitch black, sticky blob that oozes everywhere.  

STAGE 2

So a few days later, everything should look normal (like I know what normal poop should look like.)

With your first child, you are trying to figure out a routine that works best for everyone (just think of the first one as a guinea pig) One thing you have to work out is bath time.  Now some people like to use the sink, some use a baby tub and some actually just get in the tub with them.  We tried all 3. 

It was the first time that we tried the me in the tub method with them, where we discovered this second stage. In the middle of the bath, my son started to smile, (smiling is a very good indicator of what just happened or what is happening when they are babies.) Next thing I know, a little “baby log” dropped to the bottom of the tub and like a little torpedo, made a path straight for my leg.  My wife (who was the first to see this) alerted me and ran out of the bathroom. 

I thought she was running out to get something to help me…nope, she came back with the video camera.  I would tell you to watch the video to hear me constantly asking for help, but you can’t hear my plea over her constant laughter.

STAGE 3

So as your kids get older, you get happier because they start to be able help out.  But before that, comes the time where they think they are helping, but aren’t.  Mostly I am talking about getting dressed.  The boys are almost 2 but they can’t get dressed on their own, what they can do…is take off the clothes that you struggled the past  15 minutes to get them on them.  In fact 15 minutes to get them on, means 15 seconds for them to take them off. I know what you are thinking…what does this have to do with poop…Patient young grasshopper… So with them now armed with the skill of “quick change” they quickly learn how to also take off their diaper.  Luckily for us, the culprit in question has already started potty training so he has learned to sound the code word “Poop” when he is about to, or already has.

So there I am, home after a long day of work, I walk into the house, and a naked kid comes running down the hallway like he is practicing his streaking skills. He stops a few feet in front of me, smiles and says “Poop” even though I wish that was the warning word, something told me that he already went, so I asked “Where did you poop” hoping that magically when I was at work he learned to speak in full sentences to say “Well father, I relieved myself over there.” No….the answer I got was an evil laugh and smile.  So still in uniform, I played the game “poop, poop, where is the poop.” After looking around the house, there it was behind the recliner in his brother’s room.

And last but not least…

STAGE 4

This happened last weekend (the same trip where I was asked if I was sure that my boys weren’t identical twins) so there I was on a nice daddy day.  I took them to Toys-R-Us. Since even though it’s a store mostly for kids, they haven’t thought of making carts for more than one kid, so I have one in the seat and one actually in the cart like I just picked him off the discount shelf and am about to get my very own life like child doll for a bargain price.  So as I am trying to make sure that extra stuff doesn’t end up in the basket, evidently one of them made “THE FACE.” For you that have never seen “The Face” just go to a mirror, try to think of something really hard, and stop breathing for 45 seconds, now look in the mirror, that is “The Face.” So as I am trying to get out of the store without any drama, he looks up and screams “POOOOOOOOP.”

Hopefully this gave you a little more insight, now that it is done, I can move off the high ground, and go back to what I am used to.